My mom unexpectedly showed up on my doorstep the night before last. She was crying so hard she couldn’t speak. The first thing that went through my mind was something happened to my brother and it scared the hell out of me. After she calmed down a little, she told me she had a huge argument with my grandpa. I was relieved that was it.

Apparently, my grandpa has still being watching over her, trying to keep her in line. She’s sick of him doing that. She says she’s an adult and can take care of herself. I think she expected me to take her side and start bashing my grandpa. I didn’t.

I told her she doesn’t have the best reputation because her drug and gambling habits and I didn’t blame him for riding her ass. After all, she is living in his house and using his vehicle since she got hers impounded. Then I told her that he shouldn’t have to watch over her, but he feels like he has to because she is so damned self-destructive and he is just doing it because he loves her.

I just got home from a family gathering and cookout. We were supposed to be getting together to celebrate David’s release. However, it didn’t work out that way. The State fucked up David’s paperwork (surprise, surprise) and now they will not let him go until October 27th.

Instead of celebrating, we ended up watching the Presidential debate and spending time with my uncle Brad. He may be sent back to prison in the morning. He isn’t being charged with anything, but the State is trying to revoke his parole because some marijuana was found in his truck a couple years ago. They had charged him for it, but the charges were dismissed. I don’t understand how they can revoke his parole if he wasn’t prosecuted for the marijuana. I hope that his attorney will be able to get the revocation dropped as well.

The State is about to release my brother after keeping him for almost seven years, now they want my uncle for eight years. Bastards. There are violent criminals out there running free, but they want to put my uncle in prison for eight years because he had an ounce of marijuana in his truck… anyone else see something wrong with that?

I got a letter from my brother, David, earlier. He wrote to let me know he has finally been given a discharge date. He will be home October 7, 2008! He will finally get to hold McKayla and she will get to know her uncle.

I am SO excited and happy he is finally going to have his freedom back and I can hardly wait until he gets home. I have missed him so much these past six years - while he has been locked up.

I have also been worried sick about him since everything that happened between him and the Aryan Brotherhood. There was quite a while where they were threatening to kill him and the state had to keep moving him around to different prisons to keep him safe.

I was not there for him as much as I should have been while he has been locked up, but I will be there for him when he gets out. I feel like I have to get to know my little brother all over again. I want to help him turn his life around and keep him out of trouble. I think I may let him live with me for a while so I can keep a watchful eye on him.

Shawna sent me these net stickers from the myspace bumperstickers application. I think they are very fitting for recent events in my life. They offer some good advice.

Schwarzenegger: I Hit the Bong with Chong (Exclusive)

Shawna and I recently had a conversation about many important things. One of them included discussing what would happen to her daughter if something happened to Shawna. Her sons both have their fathers, but Sarah’s biological father is not a part of her life. Nick has stepped up to take the role of her father figure. Shawna asked me if I would raise Sarah if anything should ever happen to her. I was profoundly touched by her request. It is not every day that someone asks you to be prepared for something as important as raising a child. I gladly accepted.

My last shift at the machine shop ended a little while ago. I put in my notice a little over a week ago. I was offered a job making $2.50 more per hour plus bonus and benefits. I start this coming Monday. It is another customer service job; I am optimistic about this one though. I can go somewhere with this company.

I enjoyed working at the shop. It was a low stress work environment. Everyone was laid back, especially the people on night shift. I would like to go back eventually. However, I need health insurance due to an issue I do not want to discuss at this time and the shop does not offer the level of insurance I may need.

Not everyone who has bipolar disorder a.k.a. manic depression experiences every symptom. Some people experience a few symptoms, some many. The severity of symptoms varies with individuals and varies over time.

I no longer feel any animosity toward Nick for his behavior. However, I am tinged with regret and resentment over the Nick and Tamara situation as a whole. I am not remorseful because I have no reason to be; I did nothing wrong. Nevertheless, I am still mourning the loss of two friendships I considered very dear once upon a time.

I have been giving the situation a lot of thought since the falling out. It is not necessary to keep reviewing how I have been hurt or to assign blame. I am ready to begin letting go of my negative feelings. However, this does not mean I am willing to let one or both of them back into my life. I can forgive them without having to continue associating with either of them.

Instead of thinking of forgiveness as an eraser to wipe another’s slate clean, I will think of it as scissors. I will use it to cut the strings of resentment than bind me to the hurt and other negative feelings this situation has caused. By releasing this resentment, I will set myself free. Wallowing in all the negativity will not alter the situation.

Around 10:30 last night, Nick started a fight with me and I know without a doubt that Tamara is behind it.

Nick: Why have you been talking shit about me?
Me: To whom?
Me: That is news to me.
Nick: Whatever I have seen proof. I thought we could still be friends but I was wrong! And stop posting our conversations online.

I didn’t want to get into everything in text messages, so I tried to call him. He let it go to voicemail and I left him a message. I said, “We need to talk about this. Call me when you can act like an adult. In the meantime, I can do as I please.”

He responded with a text:

Nick: I don’t want to talk to you. bye.
Me: Fine with me. BTW writing about my life is not talking shit about you.

We didn’t talk for about an hour after that, and then he sent me more messages.