Posts tagged shame
She interviewed four sex offenders, two of which reminded me of the two abusers who caused me the most harm. One was a father who molested his daughter; he reminded me of my ex-stepfather, Larry. The other was a guy who started molesting a younger family member when they were both children. He eventually started raping her as well. He reminded me of my cousin.
I was sexually abused from ages six to twenty, by more than a dozen offenders. I’ve spent more than 85% of my life smothered by the resulting shame and guilt. The sexual abuse affected my capacity to form healthy relationships. I still have been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship because I fear intimacy and vulnerability. I thought, at their core, that every man has the ulterior motive to hurt me in one way or another.
I’m sitting here listening to Nina Simone and thinking about yesterday’s anniversary; my first miscarriage was 9 years ago. Since then I am always sad and/or depressed on Jan 20th, except this year, which has me a little upset in itself.
I was thinking about it earlier in the week, but I didn’t remember it again until I got off work today. I was standing outside talking to a coworker about something completely unrelated and the realization blindsided me mid-sentence. It was similar to flashbacks I’ve had in the past, except there was no trigger I can identify.
I feel so much boiling within me that I’m afraid of what I could do. I have to release some of it and the healthiest way I can think to do that is to write and/or talk.
I had a long talk with Tori last night and I got a lot out, but I couldn’t express everything fully. She’s caring and sensitive and tends to take on other people’s problems over her own and I don’t want to burden her or anyone else with all of this.
I had several visitors1, calls, and texts yesterday and I am grateful for the love, comfort, and support so many people have shown me, but in some instances it made me feel worse. I can’t stand to see pity in one more person’s eyes or face.
Things that were so important to me as little as a day ago no longer matter. I’m completely enveloped with agony and no one has been able to console me, which makes me feel even worse because they are trying so hard to help me.
I’ve cycled through many feelings and emotions over the past 22-ish hours: love, confusion, panic, fear, shock, anger, hate, despair, contempt, sadness, grief, hopelessness, rage, disbelief, sorrow, guilt, shame, and many more.
I have discovered another one of Shawna’s lies. Two months ago she had told my brother that Lee called her and said that I told him the baby was his and he needed to step up and take responsibility for his son. She also said that Lee intended to be a part of the baby’s life. David had called and confronted me about it. I hadn’t done what she accused me of and David said he’d give me the benefit of the doubt about it.
At the time, I believed that Lee did contact her, but I didn’t know how he would have found out about what had been going on. A week or two ago I started questioning what was going on with the Lee aspect of the drama. I still didn’t know how to get in touch with him. One night, I was cleaning out my email box and found the confirmation from MySpace where he had been added to my friends list last year. It had a link to his profile.
There are many different spectrums with bipolar disorder. I tend to fall into the one that is known as the black hole of depression, where joy, laughter, happiness, and self-love are usually absent or fleeting at best, and misery, hopelessness, self-hatred, and sadness run rampant.
I’ve been withholding things likes like self-love, success, accomplishment, pride, intimacy, etc for longer than I want to admit1 because on some level I didn’t feel worthy of them. Sure I’ve experienced each of them at various points in my life, but never for very long. Everyone’s life has its good times and bad2 but how else would we grow, learn, and become better people?
I now know I am worthy and I even deserve them3, but old habits die hard and I’ve continued to keep most of those things at a distance. It’s hard for me to embrace them, especially intimacy, because of my fear of getting hurt again, among other things.
There are periods where I step back and look objectively at my life and fix the worst parts. I push almost everyone out of my life and try to start anew. Sometimes that method pays off, but most of the time I am left with a raw hollowness within me.