Posts tagged relapse

Annual Progress Report

5 years ago
in ,

I began a long journey this day last year. I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital1 because it had come to the point that I had to choose whether I wanted to live or die.

I chose life.

It hasn’t been an easy journey thus far. In fact, it has been harder than anything I’ve ever done in my life. However, I am proud of my progress.
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  1. [↩]

Self-injury vs Crying

5 years ago
in ,

Self-injury, however unhealthy, does provide real relief. Crying leaves me feeling exhausted and ashamed. The relief I feel from it is minimal at best.

On the other hand, When I would cut in the past there was a significant release that purged my heart of pain. I would also be euphoric for hours or even days afterward.

I was secretive after injuring myself, but never exhausted or ashamed like I was after I cried. Now, when I and self-injure the release is still present, but not the euphoria. It has been replaced by .

I understand that I’m addicted to , but I am doing my best to get over it. I’m looking forward to the day when I see a sharp object and don’t wonder how good it would feel slicing or puncturing my flesh.


Recovery

5 years ago
in , ,

My path to recovery has been slippery at best. Intellectually, I know I shouldn’t be doing some of the things I am because they are perpetuating my symptoms. However, habits, especially unhealthy ones, are difficult to break. It may even be possible that I am sabotaging myself.

When I was still seeing Charlotte1 she would tell me not to get down on myself so much for making mistakes and that it takes time to recover from mental illness. That is a rational point of view. My point of view is often skewed due to irrationality.

Hindsight is 20/20 and when I look back over my past I can see many instances where irrational thoughts reigned supreme over me, but I still have not figured out how to determine whether my present thoughts are rational or not. I guess that’s what counselors, psychologists, and therapists are for.

I haven’t been to since the end of September. I’m certain that is why my progress stalled and then began reversing. I need to get back into it, but I have to be able to afford the co-pays first and in order to do that I need more income than the puny check Met Life sends me. It barely covers rent and utilities.

I want to go back to 2. I’ve been driving myself nuts rattling around the house all day with nothing to do except play on my computer or sleep. However, the doctor does not want me returning to until at least February 1st.

I’m not sure how long I’m going to last there once I go back. I have to get away from that place. It is more detrimental to my mental than any of my bad habits. In my mind, Directv is an evil entity that doesn’t give a damn if I’m ill or not, they just want me to work my ass off until I have another breakdown or die.


  1. one of my counselors [↩]
  2. just not at Directv [↩]

Recap of 2007

5 years ago
in , , , , , , ,

This year has been one of the worst years of my life, but I survived. It was a rough year for my and my as well. We are all looking forward to kissing 2007 goodbye and bringing in 2008 with hope. I won’t say that 2008 cannot be any worse than this year because I have learned the hard way that things can ALWAYS get worse. I will say that I am that it will be a great year. I will do my best to bring that hope to fruition.

The following is a list of things that happened, good and bad. Other things happened this year as well, but these are the most significant:

Self-injury session went too far and I had to get 27 stitches (New Year’s Day)

I stopped self-injuring for 6 months and then had several relapses

I had a breakdown at .

I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital due to urges

I began the long journey to recovery

I started this blog

almost died by suicide

I allowed myself to start crying

I cried four times

My brother left the Aryan Brotherhood

My mom lost her job and I had to support her

My mom’s car was stolen on my birthday

Some of my special belongings were ruined on my birthday due to a roof leak

and I forgave each other face to face so to speak

Erick and I became online friends with benefits

Erick got divorced

and I reconciled

Nick and I broke up

Nick went to

stalked me

A friend was diagnosed with a terminal illness and was given less than a year to live

The ice storm from hell almost destroyed my house and hometown

My brother got to meet our niece for the first time

I had more than I can remember

I had to take off work for several months due to the episodes

I filed a complaint against for

I won the right to sue Directv from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission

I added 11 notches to my bedpost and revisited sexcapades with several former lovers

Tyler and his girlfriend was ran over twice and killed

My uncle was almost sent to prison

I became a member of a private club

I had my first foursome

J.R got married

J.R got an annulment

Dena let her kids meet their half-brother/2nd cousin

Dena forgave her cousin for getting pregnant by her husband

went wild after leaving Gerald

Tori started having threesomes

had 2 miscarriages

Carah is pregnant again

started walking, teeth, and talking

McKayla had her first birthday

Jess got busted by the police having sex in her car

Joe got out of rehab

Ally almost died from a drug overdose

Felicia was diagnosed as bipolar

I learned a lot about myself and began addressing major issues from my life

I almost allowed myself to fall in again

I was off work for several months due to and a ton of and groups

Whew! That was a lot of shit!


Self-Management

5 years ago
in

With any condition that goes in a cycle, half the battle of managing it is monitoring where you are in the cycle at any time.

To cope, it’s sometimes useful to think about bipolar disorder in the same way that you might think about asthma or diabetes. You need to take certain daily measures – of your breathing capacity or blood sugar – and then take these into account in what you do for that day.
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