Posts tagged relapse
I began a long journey this day last year. I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital1 because it had come to the point that I had to choose whether I wanted to live or die.
I chose life.
It hasn’t been an easy journey thus far. In fact, it has been harder than anything I’ve ever done in my life. However, I am proud of my progress.
Self-injury, however unhealthy, does provide real relief. Crying leaves me feeling exhausted and ashamed. The relief I feel from it is minimal at best.
On the other hand, When I would cut in the past there was a significant release that purged my heart of pain. I would also be euphoric for hours or even days afterward.
I was secretive after injuring myself, but never exhausted or ashamed like I was after I cried. Now, when I relapse and self-injure the release is still present, but not the euphoria. It has been replaced by shame.
I understand that I’m addicted to cutting, but I am doing my best to get over it. I’m looking forward to the day when I see a sharp object and don’t wonder how good it would feel slicing or puncturing my flesh.
My path to recovery has been slippery at best. Intellectually, I know I shouldn’t be doing some of the things I am because they are perpetuating my symptoms. However, habits, especially unhealthy ones, are difficult to break. It may even be possible that I am sabotaging myself.
When I was still seeing Charlotte1 she would tell me not to get down on myself so much for making mistakes and that it takes time to recover from mental illness. That is a rational point of view. My point of view is often skewed due to irrationality.
Hindsight is 20/20 and when I look back over my past I can see many instances where irrational thoughts reigned supreme over me, but I still have not figured out how to determine whether my present thoughts are rational or not. I guess that’s what counselors, psychologists, and therapists are for.
I haven’t been to therapy since the end of September. I’m certain that is why my progress stalled and then began reversing. I need to get back into it, but I have to be able to afford the co-pays first and in order to do that I need more income than the puny check Met Life sends me. It barely covers rent and utilities.
I want to go back to work2. I’ve been driving myself nuts rattling around the house all day with nothing to do except play on my computer or sleep. However, the doctor does not want me returning to Directv until at least February 1st.
I’m not sure how long I’m going to last there once I go back. I have to get away from that place. It is more detrimental to my mental health than any of my bad habits. In my mind, Directv is an evil entity that doesn’t give a damn if I’m ill or not, they just want me to work my ass off until I have another breakdown or die.
Whew! That was a lot of shit!
Self-injury session went too far and I had to get 27 stitches (New Year’s Day)
I stopped self-injuring for 6 months and then had several relapses
I had a breakdown at work.
I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital due to suicidal urges
I began the long journey to recovery
I started this blog
Tori almost died by suicide
I allowed myself to start crying
I cried four times
My brother left the Aryan Brotherhood
My mom lost her job and I had to support her
My mom’s car was stolen on my birthday
Some of my special belongings were ruined on my birthday due to a roof leak
Erick and I forgave each other face to face so to speak
Erick and I became online friends with benefits
Erick got divorced
Nick and I reconciled
Nick and I broke up
Nick went to prison
Jonathan stalked me
A friend was diagnosed with a terminal illness and was given less than a year to live
The ice storm from hell almost destroyed my house and hometown
My brother got to meet our niece for the first time
I had more episodes than I can remember
I had to take off work for several months due to the episodes
I filed a complaint against Directv for discrimination
I won the right to sue Directv from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
I added 11 notches to my bedpost and revisited sexcapades with several former lovers
Tyler and his girlfriend was ran over twice and killed
My uncle was almost sent to prison
I became a member of a private sex club
I had my first foursome
J.R got married
J.R got an annulment
Dena let her kids meet their half-brother/2nd cousin
Dena forgave her cousin for getting pregnant by her husband
Jess went wild after leaving Gerald
Tori started having threesomes
Carah had 2 miscarriages
Carah is pregnant again
McKayla started walking, cutting teeth, and talking
McKayla had her first birthday
Jess got busted by the police having sex in her car
Joe got out of rehab
Ally almost died from a drug overdose
Felicia was diagnosed as bipolar
I learned a lot about myself and began addressing major issues from my life
I almost allowed myself to fall in love again
I was off work for several months due to hospitalization and a ton of therapy and groups
With any condition that goes in a cycle, half the battle of managing it is monitoring where you are in the cycle at any time.
To cope, it’s sometimes useful to think about bipolar disorder in the same way that you might think about asthma or diabetes. You need to take certain daily measures – of your breathing capacity or blood sugar – and then take these into account in what you do for that day.