Posts tagged Paul
I went out with Tori and Dudney Wednesday night. First, we did a little shopping for the new apartment Tori is planning to get. Then we went out to dinner at a home cooking style cafe. It was great to sit with them and just talk and joke. We spent more time laughing than we did eating. After we left there, Tori and Dudney wanted to go have a few drinks at End Up. I didn’t really want to go there. It reminds me of Paul too much and we went there for New Year’s Eve. I wanted to go to a straight bar or a lesbian bar, but Tori has social anxiety and End Up is one of the few bars she feels comfortable, so I relented.
Around the beginning of September I was frustrated with Sugarbear and ready to give up on our relationship. Things were at a stand-still and I couldn’t stand it anymore. There was a guy that I started talking to several years ago that popped back up. I agreed to go out on a date with him and Sugarbear knew about it. I told him that I was done putting my life on hold. I have needs and I needed some physical attention.
I didn’t plan to have sex with Forrest on our first date, but he made a move and I was so horny I couldn’t resist. It had been almost nine months since I had sex. As a person, I could barely stand Forrest, but as a lover… I was very satisfied, but he annoyed me to no end. He was asking me to be his girlfriend the next morning. I couldn’t in good conscience commit to him. I’ll never have feelings for him, hell, I can barely stand him. I wanted him in my life for one thing, a good time. I also knew I wasn’t anywhere near over Sugarbear. I still had hope that me dating would light a fire under his ass to kick it up a notch. I didn’t have some malicious plan and I wasn’t trying to manipulate Sugarbear. I was prepared to move on and that’s what I was doing.
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I’ve been fighting a depressive episode for a few months. I’ve been able to keep it at bay for the most part, until today. Today it is totally kicking my ass. I feel like the sky is falling and I’m helpless to stop it. A part of me would love nothing more than just the sweet peace of oblivion, but the wiser part of myself knows that is the depression and if I can keep myself safe long enough the feeling will pass. PMS isn’t helping the matter any either. One minute I’m crying, overwhelmed, wanting to die, the next I’m ready to fight and find some solutions to everything that is threatening my autonomy and quality of life.
I become unsettled when little things often happen that triggers memories of an ex. It usually means I’m going to hear from him or see him somewhere. For a person like me, who believes everything happens for a reason, it’s difficult to ignore. It usually gets me thinking about our past together, then I end up analyzing… then we are back in each others lives before I know whether I want it or not.
- it was his phone’s area code when we met and I’m seeing it a lot. [↩]
I’m sitting here listening to Nina Simone and thinking about yesterday’s anniversary; my first miscarriage was 9 years ago. Since then I am always sad and/or depressed on Jan 20th, except this year, which has me a little upset in itself.
I was thinking about it earlier in the week, but I didn’t remember it again until I got off work today. I was standing outside talking to a coworker about something completely unrelated and the realization blindsided me mid-sentence. It was similar to flashbacks I’ve had in the past, except there was no trigger I can identify.