Posts tagged Nick
I feel so much boiling within me that I’m afraid of what I could do. I have to release some of it and the healthiest way I can think to do that is to write and/or talk.
I had a long talk with Tori last night and I got a lot out, but I couldn’t express everything fully. She’s caring and sensitive and tends to take on other people’s problems over her own and I don’t want to burden her or anyone else with all of this.
I had several visitors1, calls, and texts yesterday and I am grateful for the love, comfort, and support so many people have shown me, but in some instances it made me feel worse. I can’t stand to see pity in one more person’s eyes or face.
Things that were so important to me as little as a day ago no longer matter. I’m completely enveloped with agony and no one has been able to console me, which makes me feel even worse because they are trying so hard to help me.
I’ve cycled through many feelings and emotions over the past 22-ish hours: love, confusion, panic, fear, shock, anger, hate, despair, contempt, sadness, grief, hopelessness, rage, disbelief, sorrow, guilt, shame, and many more.
Last night when I got home from work, we had company. Tori, Tim1, and Chris2 was partying with Dudney. Chris and Dudney were pretty damn drunk already, and Tori was getting there. They were getting ready to go out to a nearby gay bar that has male dancers. They’ve gone there several times, but I’ve never been there. I was tired after work and didn’t plan to go with them, however, Tori enticed me into going. I hadn’t been out in a couple months, so I figured what the hell.
I didn’t have time to take a shower, but I assumed I wouldn’t end up bringing a man home with me since it was a gay bar, so it would be okay. Chris was so drunk he threw up a couple times before we left. After he was finished, we all loaded up in Tim’s car and headed to the bar. Once we arrived, Tori, Dudney, and I went in immediately, but Tim and Chris stayed outside talking.
Later, we found out Chris was flipping out because he had been making out with Dudney earlier, until he found out Dudney is a man. Right before we went in Tim gave Dudney money to buy us a few rounds of drinks. As soon as we walked in it was apparent it was a gay bar, there were at least five hot guys running around in sexy underwear. One was dancing on the pole, another one was carrying the Jell-o shot tray, and the others were working the crowd.
I spent a big part of the day sitting in my bed with my laptop. I prefer to spend my first day off alone or with Tori so I can regroup. I enjoy my job, but being nice, polite, courteous, helpful, and extremely patient while dealing with customers of varying intelligence and temperament 40+ hours per week is mentally draining; that combined with the pressure I put myself under to be a top performer leaves me close to exhausted by the beginning of my fifth shift of the week (if not sooner). I am not complaining though. I am thankful to have a job1. It allows me to be independent and it’s no secret how much I value my independence and freedom.
This is the first day off I’ve had in weeks that I got to enjoy my own company. It was great. I’m supposed to go pick Tori up around midnight. Adam has been texting me. He’s trying to sweet talk me into going over to his house and hanging out with him. Apparently, he has the house to himself. He told me that he and Nick made up. Nick said he blacked out and doesn’t remember their fight or the events leading up to it.
- especially one that I don’t loathe [↩]
While I was at work yesterday Dudney kept text messaging me. He, Tori, Nick, Adam, Jack, and Ashley was partying at our house. I wanted to join them, but I had to finish my shift. I’ve been doing very well at my job and I decided not to jeopardize my momentum by leaving early.
About an hour before my shift was over Dudney messaged me and told me Nick got beat up. At first, I thought he was joking. Then he told me they had moved the party to Nick’s house. Adam, Nick, Jack, and Ashley are all roommates. Apparently, Nick started being a dick after he was drunk and shit escalated. Dudney was drunk and wasn’t making much sense. He just kept saying that Nick was bleeding and stuff.
Nick’s cousin, Adam, has a crush on me. I’ve let him and Adam hang out at my house several times the past couple months or so. Adam’s dad owns the machine shop I worked at last August. I met Adam prior to that when Nick and I were dating.
I became somewhat close to Adam’s sister, Amanda, while I was working at the shop. She and Adam had constantly reassured me that they wouldn’t allow Nick to get me fired when the whole Tamara-Nick fiasco was going on last summer.
Nick has told me before that Adam usually likes skinny chicks, but he is attracted to me. I’m not usually one that seeks to convert men to wanting BBWs, unless I’m truly interested in someone that usually dates skinny or thin women.
From my experience, once a man is with a BBW he doesn’t revert back to his previous preferences. I’ve been told by men I “converted” that they like the attention BBWs give them, we typically appreciate them more than our skinny counterparts, we are great in bed, we aren’t superficial, we let them be themselves, and we tend to be better cooks.