Posts tagged my father
People have told me I was perceptive since as far back as I can remember. At times, my perceptiveness felt like it was its own entity which I had no control over; it had its own voice in my head. Looking back on it, I mostly perceived negative things, but that was likely caused by all the bad things around me. While growing up, I could usually read a man’s ulterior motives in a matter of seconds. I could also see all of the mistakes my mother was making or about to make and part of me hated her for them.
It’s been awhile since I’ve updated and I’m a bit overwhelmed by the amount of writing I have to catch up on, a lot of it includes things about Paul and our relationship, work, my recovery progress, analysis of 2009, and other significant recent events. However, I currently do not have time to get into the details because I have to pick Paul up from work in 30 minutes. I feel uncomfortable writing posts when he is around. I need to make time for myself soon.
Paul and I had a rude awakening yesterday morning. My grandpa walked into my room without knocking and turned on the overhead light. Paul and I was sound asleep and naked. Apparently, I was asleep on my back and the blanket wasn’t covering my breasts.
I instantly woke up when the light came on and I turned onto my belly as quickly as I could. I’m not sure Pawpa saw anything or not and I’m sure not gonna ask him. He should’ve known better than to just barge into my room like that anyway. After Pawpa left, Paul’s aunt barged in and then my mom. We were starting to get very pissed off about it, so we locked my bedroom door and went back to sleep.
A couple hours later I had to get up for work. I knew I’d only be working half a day because Paul talked me into going to his family’s Christmas dinner with him. They planned to have it the 13th because many of them are going to be out of town for Christmas.
I was nervous about going and I had been worrying about it for a few days. I was afraid they would all hate me or vice versa, but it was important to him that I be there, so I sucked it up and went.
Whenever Shawna’s face enters my mind I cringe because I want to choke the shit out of her. I don’t literally want to kill her, but I am still angry with her for manipulating my brother into marrying her. I am still enraged with her because their “happy” family is based on a big fat lie and the longer it takes for the truth to come out my baby brother is going to be even more heartbroken and devastated.
For the past eight months or so, Shawna has been in limbo between those two lists. At several points of our twelve year friendship I loved her like a sister. I was mad as hell at her for stabbing me in the back a few times during that same timeframe. However, I always forgave her misdeeds because she would be there for me when I really needed her. It’s different this time. How do I forgive her for what she did to my brother and our family while she is still doing it?
- my ex-stepfather [↩]
- one of my mom’s exes who molested me [↩]
- the ex-step uncle that raped me [↩]
- my sister, Tara’s mother – who kept us apart for years, then Tara died [↩]
- ex-best friend who betrayed me [↩]
- Zane’s future ex-wife [↩]
- Greg’s baby momma [↩]
- bitch sisters that jumped me on my 17th birthday [↩]
- a neighbor that molested and tried to kidnap me [↩]
- my father [↩]
I have mixed feelings about what to do about my father. I have been considering returning his recent call. I have not had contact with him since a few weeks after my eighteenth birthday when I wised up and finally seen him for who he was and then severed all ties with him. After our falling out, I started referring to him as the sperm donor and I repressed any loving feelings I ever felt toward him.
This could be the opportunity to build a real relationship with him. On the other hand, interacting with him may hurt me all over again and renew the scars he caused. To my knowledge, my father has never been a good man. He is an abusive, misogynistic, sadistic bigot/alcoholic/murderer. The nicest thing I can say about him is he isn’t a child molester or rapist.