Posts tagged love
All has been quiet on the Shawna front the past few months, since shortly after the judge granted the protective order against her. I’ve seen and talked to my brother a few times since then but haven’t heard a peep out of her and it hasn’t bothered me a bit. In fact, the only time I’ve even given her a thought is when someone else brings her up. Her absence from my life and the resulting peace has been great. Filing for the protective order was the best decision I could have made.
I’ve heard bits about her here and there, especially during the few weeks my mom stayed with them. The only new thing I heard was that her friend Lisa paid for the DNA test and that Aiden is David’s biological son. I didn’t believe it for a second though, and neither did anyone else in my family. After a couple of weeks, Carah told me that Shawna had lied about the test being done. I wasn’t surprised a bit. Shawna is a pathological liar and has a hard time being honest about anything.
I hadn’t thought about her again until last week, when I had to give the family member she stirred so much shit up about a ride home from work. I had been around him a few times since the truth came out, but never alone, and we hadn’t talked about what happened between us so many years ago. Since we were alone he took the opportunity to broach the subject. It was highly uncomfortable, but after almost 2 hours straight of talking about it, we have come to terms with it again and we both have closure. Now our relationship can start to heal. I only hope his marriage can do the same, but she may have done irreparable damage to it by bringing up all that dead history.
I hadn’t thought about her again until last night, when I opened up an email from Lisa, one of her closest friends. I almost didn’t open the email because I didn’t want to get dragged into more drama with Shawna. Nevertheless, I opened the email and this is what it contained:
I’ve been feeling a bit off the past week or so. Paul officially moved in with me on New Year’s Day and I’m trying to adjust. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. Raymond and I were inseparable and we always stayed together but that was either at my mom’s apartment or our friend’s house, we never had our own place.
I’m not one for lies and head games, I never have been, but I started pushing Paul, thinking about it now I realize that I was testing him, looking for any little thing to turn into a deal breaker, to see if he can put up with my shit. The things I found to blow up were legitimate concerns but they weren’t the enormous red flags I made them out to be. He didn’t have a chance. The one in me that prefers solitude and not risking my heart still has quite a hold over my actions and reactions. I don’t know why I expected all of my doubts and fears about love and relationships to evaporate. Obviously, all of them didn’t, but to my surprise and relief many of them are dying.
Before I took Paul to his business appointment late last night he was dicking around on Facebook. I don’t usually pay attention to what he’s doing online but he pulled me over to him when I was walking by his chair. I happened to look at the screen and see an open IM from a woman he had told me a few minutes before was someone in his family. This woman was telling him she missed him and wished she had a snuggle buddy and he parroted what she said. Seeing that IM added fuel to an already smoldering fire because of a few text messages I seen on his phone from his ex a few days ago. It instantly pissed me off, for obvious reasons, and I confronted him about it.
He assured me it was nothing to worry about because she lives in Kansas and there has never been any sexual activity between them. He also said it was just harmless flirting. I said if he had seen a similar conversation between another man and me he would be hurt and pissed. He said he didn’t think about it that way and I was right, then he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again.
I told him he needs to stop leading other women on otherwise we are going to have some serious problems. Then I mentioned what I knew about his conversations with his ex. I asked him if plans on leaving me and moving back to where she is. He said he had no intentions of ever going back to her and he only maintains contact because he loves her daughter like his own and he wants to make sure she is alright. Then I asked him if his ex knows he doesn’t want to get back together with her and he said probably not. I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that and he started getting defensive. Then I asked him how he would feel if the situation was flipped and I was leading one of my exes on. He seemed to understand my position at that point.
It’s been awhile since I’ve updated and I’m a bit overwhelmed by the amount of writing I have to catch up on, a lot of it includes things about Paul and our relationship, work, my recovery progress, analysis of 2009, and other significant recent events. However, I currently do not have time to get into the details because I have to pick Paul up from work in 30 minutes. I feel uncomfortable writing posts when he is around. I need to make time for myself soon.
Friday night, Tori, James, Taylor and Jacob spent the night. I took off work Saturday to deal with the busted pipe mess. Paul called around noon and wanted to see me. He wasn’t mad, but he did give me hell about not taking his phone charger back up to the bar for him.
His step-aunt, Stacey, was with him when I picked him up from Preston’s house. Apparently, she had a blowout with her man and she needed a place to crash for a few days. I didn’t really want to take in another stray, but I wanted to help her for Paul.
She and Taylor went with me to take him to a private job. I don’t know exactly what goes on during those housecalls and I really don’t want to, but my imagination was running on overdrive and I copped an attitude with him when he got back. My feelings were amplified by hormones because I started my period the day before.
It was obvious I was upset and he wanted to know what was wrong. The core issue was I hate the housecall part of his job, but I didn’t express that immediately. I tried to be nice about it because I didn’t want to start a fight, but he kept pushing the issue, he wanted to know why exactly I was upset and what he could do to fix it. He kept talking about communication and how key it is to a successful relationship.