Posts tagged happiness
I’m feeling much better emotionally. Sugarbear and I had a good talk last night. He sent me another pic of him all smiley and gorgeous. I’ve known him for over three years and we’ve been, as lame as it sounds, courting for the past year, as of December 12th. I’m ridiculously attracted to him. He still gives me butterflies, just as he did from day one. We are still a bit guarded with each other sometimes, but he opened up some tonight.
He’s off his pedestal, but I still want him. No man in my entire life has kept me interested without sex for a year. The closest was Erick, with eight months… and I thought Erick and I moved painfully slow. Haha, if I only knew then… Well, come to think of it, I’m glad I didn’t know what was going on because I really loved Erick with as much as my heart as I could and had I known the truth from the start, I would not have experienced that with him. Not excusing him, but I know things would have been very different and I don’t want that. He’s turned into a jerk, either that or my blinders are off and I have the benefit of hindsight. Can’t change the past but I can prevent it from repeating.
The twists and turns life can throw still astonish me. For awhile there I was certain that I’d been through as much hell as possible without dying and it was finally my time to enjoy more than fleeting happiness, I was foolhardy and impulsive.
Paul is a short man, but his charisma is impetuous. Napoleon comes to mind for some damn reason, probably because I’m toking, listening to my breakup playlist and having dozens of thoughts sweep through my mind every millisecond.
When I’m happy, I’m extremely happy, but it’s a very short-lived burst. Then something else tragic or devastating happens and poof, everything disintegrates so quickly I am left wondering if it was all just a dream.
I got swept up in my relationship with Paul. I was considering having his baby within six weeks of meeting him; little did I know I was already carrying his babies1 Surely, I should’ve known it was possible. After all we were fucking like rabbits and never used protection. I was living second to second without considering consequences.
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Life can still change with the blink of an eye. This time last week, I was happy, in love, and pregnant. Today I’m devastated, single, and not pregnant.
I just got home from seeing the doctor a little while ago because I woke up about 9:30 this morning with severe cramps and bleeding. I was under an extreme amount of stress due a situation I don’t want to discuss right now.
At first the doctor thought I was just having normal bleeding that happens sometimes early in pregnancy. She calculated the length of pregnancy by my last normal period and said I was almost 9 weeks pregnant. Then she said my due date was September 17th. After that she did an ultrasound and for a minute she had a very solemn look on her face before she said, “I’m sorry, sweetie, but you are having a miscarriage.” And then she showed me the shadow that had been my baby and I can’t even describe the pain I felt and still feel. The doctor had blood drawn to see if I’m anemic and to check my hcg level. She wants me to come back on the 11th to see if they will need to do a d&c.
I’ve been feeling a bit off the past week or so. Paul officially moved in with me on New Year’s Day and I’m trying to adjust. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. Raymond and I were inseparable and we always stayed together but that was either at my mom’s apartment or our friend’s house, we never had our own place.
I’m not one for lies and head games, I never have been, but I started pushing Paul, thinking about it now I realize that I was testing him, looking for any little thing to turn into a deal breaker, to see if he can put up with my shit. The things I found to blow up were legitimate concerns but they weren’t the enormous red flags I made them out to be. He didn’t have a chance. The one in me that prefers solitude and not risking my heart still has quite a hold over my actions and reactions. I don’t know why I expected all of my doubts and fears about love and relationships to evaporate. Obviously, all of them didn’t, but to my surprise and relief many of them are dying.
All aspects of my life are going fabulous; quite a change from the constant turmoil of the past several years. My career is progressing well, my home life is satisfying, I have great friends and family (with a few exceptions), things have heated up in the romantic arena, and the EEOC is finally getting the ball rolling with the complaint I filed against Directv.
It has taken some getting used to, but I am accepting the good things as they come. I am genuinely happy, and it is a huge relief to know it’s not the fake happiness of a manic or hypomanic episode. I have found stability, on my own.
With a little help from my favorite herb I have clawed my way back from the depths of the black hole of depression, which wasn’t an easy task by far, but it has made me even stronger and I am proud of myself. Of course my life isn’t perfect, but nothing ever is in reality.