Posts tagged fear
I’m sitting here listening to Nina Simone and thinking about yesterday’s anniversary; my first miscarriage was 9 years ago. Since then I am always sad and/or depressed on Jan 20th, except this year, which has me a little upset in itself.
I was thinking about it earlier in the week, but I didn’t remember it again until I got off work today. I was standing outside talking to a coworker about something completely unrelated and the realization blindsided me mid-sentence. It was similar to flashbacks I’ve had in the past, except there was no trigger I can identify.
I swore off married and other emotionally unavailable men three days ago and I’m already having a hard time maintaining my resolve. At this point, I think it’s safe to say I’m addicted to assholes, cheaters, and pussy-hounds.
I was really excited about the opportunity to move to the UK for a couple of years, but my earlier declaration caused me to analyze my expectations and motives. I’ve concluded that I am trying to escape an awkward relationship with a married man, Charlie. I am getting tired of having all these affairs.
Ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell you something? I’ve had that feeling several times this weekend. There are some huge changes coming, my self-imposed isolation, in all of its forms, has outworn its welcome, and is on its way out.
I’m petrified, yet excited at the same time. I’ve gone through many reclusive periods and social butterfly phases over the years, but am ready to achieve a balance between the two. I have this lone wolf warrior façade, but deep down I need to feel loved and I need people.
I feel so much boiling within me that I’m afraid of what I could do. I have to release some of it and the healthiest way I can think to do that is to write and/or talk.
I had a long talk with Tori last night and I got a lot out, but I couldn’t express everything fully. She’s caring and sensitive and tends to take on other people’s problems over her own and I don’t want to burden her or anyone else with all of this.
I had several visitors1, calls, and texts yesterday and I am grateful for the love, comfort, and support so many people have shown me, but in some instances it made me feel worse. I can’t stand to see pity in one more person’s eyes or face.
Things that were so important to me as little as a day ago no longer matter. I’m completely enveloped with agony and no one has been able to console me, which makes me feel even worse because they are trying so hard to help me.
I’ve cycled through many feelings and emotions over the past 22-ish hours: love, confusion, panic, fear, shock, anger, hate, despair, contempt, sadness, grief, hopelessness, rage, disbelief, sorrow, guilt, shame, and many more.
I’ve been feeling a bit off the past week or so. Paul officially moved in with me on New Year’s Day and I’m trying to adjust. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. Raymond and I were inseparable and we always stayed together but that was either at my mom’s apartment or our friend’s house, we never had our own place.
I’m not one for lies and head games, I never have been, but I started pushing Paul, thinking about it now I realize that I was testing him, looking for any little thing to turn into a deal breaker, to see if he can put up with my shit. The things I found to blow up were legitimate concerns but they weren’t the enormous red flags I made them out to be. He didn’t have a chance. The one in me that prefers solitude and not risking my heart still has quite a hold over my actions and reactions. I don’t know why I expected all of my doubts and fears about love and relationships to evaporate. Obviously, all of them didn’t, but to my surprise and relief many of them are dying.