Posts tagged ex-stepfather
I began adulthood when I was five years old. It was gradual that first year, but after my mother got pregnant by my then step-father the learning curve grew steeper with each passing month. By my mother’s sixth month of pregnancy I learned Larry was an alcoholic pervert. By her seventh month, I had learned how to play opossum while being sexually assaulted. By her eighth month, I learned it was my duty to assume the responsibilities she ignored or forgot. By her ninth month, I learned how to take care of a baby because neither Larry nor my mother could be trusted to handle it. I fell in love with David the first time I saw him and I took my role as big sister very seriously. I knew I would protect him at all costs.
The day my mother and brand new baby brother were released from the hospital I learned Larry was also physically abusive and how to rescue them from him. I learned by sheer guy instinct. Larry was drunk and started arguing with my mother. She said something and he threw her up against the dryer and started slapping and punching her. He broke her glasses for the first time. I was screaming at him, trying to distract him and get him to leave her alone. The baby was crying. Mom took off outside to get away from Larry. I ran to David and picked him up; trying to soothe him and stop his crying. I was scared shitless that Larry was going to hurt him if I couldn’t settle him down.
She interviewed four sex offenders, two of which reminded me of the two abusers who caused me the most harm. One was a father who molested his daughter; he reminded me of my ex-stepfather, Larry. The other was a guy who started molesting a younger family member when they were both children. He eventually started raping her as well. He reminded me of my cousin.
I was sexually abused from ages six to twenty, by more than a dozen offenders. I’ve spent more than 85% of my life smothered by the resulting shame and guilt. The sexual abuse affected my capacity to form healthy relationships. I still have been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship because I fear intimacy and vulnerability. I thought, at their core, that every man has the ulterior motive to hurt me in one way or another.
Whenever Shawna’s face enters my mind I cringe because I want to choke the shit out of her. I don’t literally want to kill her, but I am still angry with her for manipulating my brother into marrying her. I am still enraged with her because their “happy” family is based on a big fat lie and the longer it takes for the truth to come out my baby brother is going to be even more heartbroken and devastated.
For the past eight months or so, Shawna has been in limbo between those two lists. At several points of our twelve year friendship I loved her like a sister. I was mad as hell at her for stabbing me in the back a few times during that same timeframe. However, I always forgave her misdeeds because she would be there for me when I really needed her. It’s different this time. How do I forgive her for what she did to my brother and our family while she is still doing it?
- my ex-stepfather [↩]
- one of my mom’s exes who molested me [↩]
- the ex-step uncle that raped me [↩]
- my sister, Tara’s mother – who kept us apart for years, then Tara died [↩]
- ex-best friend who betrayed me [↩]
- Zane’s future ex-wife [↩]
- Greg’s baby momma [↩]
- bitch sisters that jumped me on my 17th birthday [↩]
- a neighbor that molested and tried to kidnap me [↩]
- my father [↩]
Shawna has overstepped yet again, but this time she made an even bigger enemy out of my sister. Jess lives with Larry’s mom1. Jess and I just got off the phone and she was telling me about Shawna and David going to visit Larry2 in prison a few weekends ago, which she had already told me about back then, but apparently, it was still an issue until last night, when my sister proved Shawna lied.
After the visit, Larry called his mom to tell her what Shawna was telling him about me about my blog. As I understand it, Shawna told Larry that I wrote in graphic detail about him sexually abusing me and Jessica when we were younger, among other things. Apparently, she also made him think I had posted his full name, DOC number, address, and everything else. She also allegedly told him that she knows I was lying and no one believes my story anyway.
Jess was livid when Pearl (her grandma) asked her about my blog and told her what Shawna was saying. Jess was pissed off because she said Shawna basically indirectly called her a liar as well. At that point, Jess told Pearl and Susie (Larry’s sister) about Larry molesting her when she was a kid, and also defending me. She also read my blog and searched for the things Shawna said I wrote, which were not there. So now they know Shawna is a lying bitch as well.
Shawna sent me more messages after I posted my previous entry, surprise, surprise. I only got a small part of the ones she sent before because the character limit on my cell phone. I got the others via yahoo offline messages. Some of the messages I did get were her trying to nullify the reasons I doubt the paternity. The others were just her trying to goad me. Sorry, but they didn’t work. If anything they made me doubt her even more.
She swears that the doctors say by the time line only David can be the father – yeah fucking right. If they did say that, I’m certain she wasn’t honest with them. I didn’t just pull the possibility of David not being the father out of my ass. There are several reasons to doubt the paternity and I mentioned them in my last post.
She also said that she’s only known her doctor for about a year. If that is the case then she lied to me before or she has a different doctor now. Shortly before she found out she was pregnant she had to have another biopsy to see if the ovarian cancer cells came back. When we were talking about it back then, she told me that her doctor is the father of a friend of hers and she has been going to him for years. Now she is saying she has just been going to Planned Parenthood all these years. Make up your fucking mind, Shawna. Which one is it?
She reminded me about Lee standing her up the two weekends before she and David had sex. That doesn’t mean he didn’t get her pregnant before then. She was fertile through the first week of October and they had sex several times then and the week after. She didn’t mention her period going beyond a couple hours of spotting on October 21st and if it had I’m sure she would have said something. Therefore, that still means Lee (or someone else) could be the father. I never said I was 100% sure that David isn’t the father. I said that the possibility is very small and I will stand by that until I see scientific proof otherwise.