Posts tagged depression
Since Pawpa died my world spun so quickly, I was certain I was going to fall off and go hurling back into that black hole of depression; the one that is always threatening to make me hate everything, especially myself; the black hole which makes me wish death would put me out of my misery once and for all.
The hole was so deep I didn’t see how I would get out of it. I was trapped there for most of August((one of my shortest, but most intense, depressive episodes)). It was triggered by all the death, the loss of my job, the instability in my romantic life, my sister’s move to the east coast, and my being on the verge of financial ruin and homelessness once again. At one point, I had decided to give up and kill myself.
I’m used to January being a bittersweet month and I’ve come to expect February’s to hold some sort of devastation. However, February 2012 takes the cake, and that is no small feat considering Februarys past.
Within three weeks of Pawpa getting sick, he was gone; poof, just like that. We had little time to wrap our minds around his ultimate fate, much less accept it. Once hospice took over his care I knew it was just a matter of time, but I still hoped like hell that he would beat the odds. I tried to be there for him as much as I could in his last few weeks. How could I not? He was my Pawpa and I wanted to make sure that he knew how much I loved him. When I felt his last heartbeats and realized that he was gone, I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him and take my last breaths as well.
I’ve been fighting a depressive episode for a few months. I’ve been able to keep it at bay for the most part, until today. Today it is totally kicking my ass. I feel like the sky is falling and I’m helpless to stop it. A part of me would love nothing more than just the sweet peace of oblivion, but the wiser part of myself knows that is the depression and if I can keep myself safe long enough the feeling will pass. PMS isn’t helping the matter any either. One minute I’m crying, overwhelmed, wanting to die, the next I’m ready to fight and find some solutions to everything that is threatening my autonomy and quality of life.
I had a follow-up appointment with my new doctor today. I went to see him the first time on November 18th because the E.R. doctors told me it was important to follow up with a primary care doctor within a few days. He confirmed their diagnosis of bronchitis and a broken rib. He said the bronchitis had been caused by the flu. He assumed it was H1N1 due to the severity of my symptoms. He gave me some strong cough suppressant pills that almost completely stopped the coughing so my rib could start to heal. He also gave me pain pills and a steroid inhaler to help with the coughing.
I like this doctor. He is thorough, takes his time, and pays attention to what I tell him. Today’s appointment was a follow-up on the bronchitis and also to get the results of the blood and urine tests. Most of the results were good. The UTI cleared up, my A1C (average blood glucose test for the past 2-3 months) was 6.9, which is the same as it was shortly after I was diagnosed with Diabetes in February, my good cholesterol was 202, my bad cholesterol was 120, but he said he thinks the reason it was so high was because my thyroid is too low, which increases the bad cholesterol. He said I have hypothyroidism and gave me a script for Levothyroxine to help stabilize it. Unfortunately, I will have to take it for the rest of the my life. My blood pressure has drastically improved since my mom moved out, but it’s still too high and he prescribed a pill for that too.
I had an intake appointment for my new counselor today. After the protective order was granted the court liaison for a local counseling firm offered me free counseling sessions. I’ve had a lot of therapy and counseling over the years and I know how beneficial it can be for people that are open to it. After Shawna revived my abuse-laden past symptoms of PTSD have re-emerged.
I’ve had a few panic attacks, and haven’t been sleeping much because nightmares and flashbacks. I’ve also gotten sick because all the stress weakened my immune system. It started out with the flu during the second week of October. It has since developed into pneumonia, a kidney infection, and a bladder infection.
I knew that if I didn’t get help I could easily find myself in the depths of depression again with self-injury not too far behind. I don’t want that to happen. I’ve worked too hard on my recovery to let all that hard work be undone.