Posts tagged anger
I feel so much boiling within me that I’m afraid of what I could do. I have to release some of it and the healthiest way I can think to do that is to write and/or talk.
I had a long talk with Tori last night and I got a lot out, but I couldn’t express everything fully. She’s caring and sensitive and tends to take on other people’s problems over her own and I don’t want to burden her or anyone else with all of this.
I had several visitors1, calls, and texts yesterday and I am grateful for the love, comfort, and support so many people have shown me, but in some instances it made me feel worse. I can’t stand to see pity in one more person’s eyes or face.
Things that were so important to me as little as a day ago no longer matter. I’m completely enveloped with agony and no one has been able to console me, which makes me feel even worse because they are trying so hard to help me.
I’ve cycled through many feelings and emotions over the past 22-ish hours: love, confusion, panic, fear, shock, anger, hate, despair, contempt, sadness, grief, hopelessness, rage, disbelief, sorrow, guilt, shame, and many more.
I had an intake appointment for my new counselor today. After the protective order was granted the court liaison for a local counseling firm offered me free counseling sessions. I’ve had a lot of therapy and counseling over the years and I know how beneficial it can be for people that are open to it. After Shawna revived my abuse-laden past symptoms of PTSD have re-emerged.
I’ve had a few panic attacks, and haven’t been sleeping much because nightmares and flashbacks. I’ve also gotten sick because all the stress weakened my immune system. It started out with the flu during the second week of October. It has since developed into pneumonia, a kidney infection, and a bladder infection.
I knew that if I didn’t get help I could easily find myself in the depths of depression again with self-injury not too far behind. I don’t want that to happen. I’ve worked too hard on my recovery to let all that hard work be undone.
Shawna didn’t have the nerve to go to the final protective order hearing on the 15th. I thought I would automatically win if she didn’t go, but that wasn’t the case. There was still a hearing; the only difference is she wasn’t there to lie about what had been going on. I didn’t bring my witnesses because I had heard Shawna didn’t plan to appear and I figured if there was still a hearing I had sufficient evidence to prove my case.
I showed the judge the comments that she made pretending to be other people – the ones I prevented from being posted on my blog as well as the ones that I did allow to be posted. I also showed him my cell phone records, a copy of the police report and the entire 25 page transcript of the text messages from September 29th. He looked at the comments and the first 2 pages of my phone records then he granted the final protective order for the full three years. He didn’t even have to look through the rest of my evidence to find that she was guilty of harassing and (cyber) stalking me.
I had talked to Tori the night before the hearing and she told me that when she got home last Sunday night David and Shawna were there. She said David talked to her a little, but Shawna wouldn’t even look at her. She thought that was funny. Tori was unsure how long they were there before she got home, but she said they left shortly after she got there. I was curious how much bullshit Shawna tried to stir up before Tori got home.
Having two children by two different men is common, three children by three men is slutty, four children by four different men… now that’s just a straight up whore. What kind of woman has four kids each fathered by a different man? My piece of shit sister-in-law/ex-best friend, that’s who. As if it wasn’t bad enough, the paternity of the newest baby is up in the air. He was born a few weeks before her thirtieth birthday, on my mom’s birthday.
My brother called me earlier to confront me about a blog entry from August 12th. He didn’t read it for himself; he was just going by what Shawna told him and it couldn’t have been good because he was pissed off. I had a feeling she would use it to start a fight between us. She’s a cunt that way.