Apparently, my grandpa has still being watching over her, trying to keep her in line. She’s sick of him doing that. She says she’s an adult and can take care of herself. I think she expected me to take her side and start bashing my grandpa. I didn’t.

I told her she doesn’t have the best reputation because her drug and gambling habits and I didn’t blame him for riding her ass. After all, she is living in his house and using his vehicle since she got hers impounded. Then I told her that he shouldn’t have to watch over her, but he feels like he has to because she is so damned self-destructive and he is just doing it because he loves her.

She didn’t want to hear all that. She shut down. A little while later, she asked if she could spend the night. I told her she could, but she cannot make a habit out of it because Dudney and I decided we do not want anyone else living with us right now. Every single person we have allowed to move in ended up being unreliable when it came to paying his or her part of the bills and helping around the house. We would rather pay more and expect it than have to cover someone else’s portion unexpectedly.

She borrowed my car to go get a change of clothes from my grandparent’s house. I told her to go straight there and straight back. I don’t know what time she got back because I went to bed, but when I got up to get ready for work she was already gone. I haven’t talked to her since.

I am proud of myself. In the past, I would have taken her side and let her move back in my house. I cannot do that anymore. It is too stressful for me when I let her live with me. It is time for her to grow up. If she wants out of my grandparents’ house then she needs to get her shit together and get her own place.

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Instead of celebrating, we ended up watching the Presidential debate and spending time with my uncle Brad. He may be sent back to prison in the morning. He isn’t being charged with anything, but the State is trying to revoke his parole because some marijuana was found in his truck a couple years ago. They had charged him for it, but the charges were dismissed. I don’t understand how they can revoke his parole if he wasn’t prosecuted for the marijuana. I hope that his attorney will be able to get the revocation dropped as well.

The State is about to release my brother after keeping him for almost seven years, now they want my uncle for eight years. Bastards. There are violent criminals out there running free, but they want to put my uncle in prison for eight years because he had an ounce of marijuana in his truck… anyone else see something wrong with that?

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I am SO excited and happy he is finally going to have his freedom back and I can hardly wait until he gets home. I have missed him so much these past six years - while he has been locked up.

I have also been worried sick about him since everything that happened between him and the Aryan Brotherhood. There was quite a while where they were threatening to kill him and the state had to keep moving him around to different prisons to keep him safe.

I was not there for him as much as I should have been while he has been locked up, but I will be there for him when he gets out. I feel like I have to get to know my little brother all over again. I want to help him turn his life around and keep him out of trouble. I think I may let him live with me for a while so I can keep a watchful eye on him.

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There have been times we have not been a part of each other’s lives due to growing apart or other circumstances, but we have always found our way back to our friendship. All the bullshit that happened with Nick and Tamara recently has caused me to truly value Shawna’s friendship and not take it for granted. I will not let anything or especially anyone come between Shawna and me again.

I have held on to the philosophy that everything happens for a reason for so long it has become ingrained into my thought processes. Often, when things happen that I do not quite understand I dwell on them until I can make sense of their purpose in my life.

I have concluded that the primary reason my friendships with Nick and Tamara were shaken and most probably destroyed was to bring Shawna and me closer together again. Goddess knows Shawna has stepped up to be here for me through this bullshit and I love her even more for it. Her true friendship is worth the sacrifice of the superficial friendships I had with Nick and Tamara.

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I enjoyed working at the shop. It was a low stress work environment. Everyone was laid back, especially the people on night shift. I would like to go back eventually. However, I need health insurance due to an issue I do not want to discuss at this time and the shop does not offer the level of insurance I may need.

The other reason I accepted this new job offer is that Nick got me the job at the shop. His uncle owns it, and Nick still works there. He thought he had the power to get me fired whenever he pleased and he tried using it to his advantage. I am not one to let someone have personal power over me, especially a vindictive ex. I require job security and I did not feel like I had that as long as I was working for Nick’s family.

There is so much more I want to say, but I cannot be as free while writing at this time because of Nick and Tamara. They have been nosing around in my blog and quoting some of my entries incorrectly and out of context. There are also some things going on in my life that need to stay on the down low for the time being; until this shit blows over.

1. which shall remain nameless at this time due to my current need for some privacy.

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1. Abnormal or excessive elation
2. Unusual irritability
3. Decreased need for sleep
4. Grandiose notions
5. Increased talking
6. Racing thoughts
7. Increased sexual desire
8. Markedly increased energy
9. Poor judgment
10. Inappropriate social behavior

The top 10 signs of depression are:

1. Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
2. Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
3. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
4. Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
5. Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling “slowed down”
6. Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
7. Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
8. Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
9. Thoughts of death or suicide or actual suicide attempts
10. Restlessness or irritability

Some people may also experience certain persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain.

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I have been giving the situation a lot of thought since the falling out. It is not necessary to keep reviewing how I have been hurt or to assign blame. I am ready to begin letting go of my negative feelings. However, this does not mean I am willing to let one or both of them back into my life. I can forgive them without having to continue associating with either of them.

Instead of thinking of forgiveness as an eraser to wipe another’s slate clean, I will think of it as scissors. I will use it to cut the strings of resentment than bind me to the hurt and other negative feelings this situation has caused. By releasing this resentment, I will set myself free. Wallowing in all the negativity will not alter the situation.

When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then they will lose their power over me and I can let them go.

In the end, I am certain I will be much better off without Tamara in my life. She is poison. Nick, however, is a different story. We both made some mistakes in dealing with the situation and each other. Unfortunately, those mistakes cannot be undone, but it is my hope that we can get past them.

When I said Nick was dead to me I made that decision out of feelings of anger, resentment, hurt, and bitterness. In the future, perhaps Nick and I can begin to rebuild our friendship.

Ultimately, I may not resolve everything with Nick – though that could be pleasant if it transpired. I just want to be rid of the negative feelings because they prevent me from completely enjoying my life.

“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.”
- George Jean Nathan

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Nick: Why have you been talking shit about me?
Me: To whom?
Me: That is news to me.
Nick: Whatever I have seen proof. I thought we could still be friends but I was wrong! And stop posting our conversations online.

I didn’t want to get into everything in text messages, so I tried to call him. He let it go to voicemail and I left him a message. I said, “We need to talk about this. Call me when you can act like an adult. In the meantime, I can do as I please.”

He responded with a text:

Nick: I don’t want to talk to you. bye.
Me: Fine with me. BTW writing about my life is not talking shit about you.

We didn’t talk for about an hour after that, and then he sent me more messages.

Nick: And stop showing pics of my package to people. You need to delete those and I mean all of them
Me: I showed them to Tamara big fucking deal
Me: You’re stupid letting her come between us, but that’s ok.
Nick: Don’t lie to me you have showed them to more than just her
Me: Bullshit.
Me: She’s making a fool out of you.
Nick: No you are making a fool out of yourself and she is the best thing that have ever happened to me. I am so happy but you don’t care about that so just Fuck off
Me: I haven’t lied to you about a goddamned thing ever and it pisses me off that you are treating me like a liar. She’s the one that lies about everything.
Me: She even lies on her dead dad’s name. What kind of person does that?
Nick: I have proof that you said and did all the shit I just accused you of so once again Fuck off and get your own life and keep your ass out of mine
Me: Oh please. Go to hell.
Me: You don’t even know her you dumb fuck.
Me: She is just showing you who she wants you to see.
Nick: Whatever bye
Me: It’s impossible for you to have proof because it never happened.
Me: I wanna see this so called proof.
Nick: Well I not only have proof I have a first hand witness that you showed those pics to so you figure it out good night
Me: you are lying your ass off. The only person that could be saying this shit is Tamara and she is a liar.
Nick: I said good night
Me: That’s what I thought. You’re full of shit.
Me: She just wanted to turn you against me and you’re dumb enough to let her.
Nick: Fuck you bitch your nothing but a mental whore who has no life so you stick your nose into everybody else’s and try to make it as Fucked up as yours
Me: Oh whatever. Fuck off you stupid son of a bitch.
Me: You want the pics of your tiny dick online? Consider it done now.
Nick: Well thank you that will just prove that you have nothing better to do than play kid games lol you are pathetic
Me: What do you expect? You are accusing me of shit I didn’t do and calling me names I don’t deserve.
Nick: Well I only tell how it is
Me: You are believing her lies. I haven’t shown anyone except Tam those pics.
Nick: Stop it jen I have had enough of this get your own life get some new pics and don’t ever mention my name or hers again
Me: I have my own life. I will do as I please.
Nick: Ok if that’s the way you wanna play I’m good at that game
Me: We need to talk. Will you just call and stop this texting bullshit?
Nick: No I’m in bed and trying to sleep and your just full of shit anyway
Me: No I’m not. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I swear I didn’t do that shit.
Me: I wrote about what was happening on my blog. That was it. I haven’t shown your pics or anything like that.
Me: I haven’t done a damned thing to you or her.
Nick: Whatever just leave me and tam alone or I won’t play nice and that includes talking about us or those pics
Me: Don’t threaten me Nick.
Nick: I’m just saying you want to play I can play so stop
Me: Stop what?!? I haven’t fucking done anything.
Nick: good night.
Me: This whole thing is a bullshit scheme of hers and you’re buying it.
Nick: GOOD NIGHT!
Me: Truth hurt? Good night, dumb ass.

At first, I was so angry I wanted to beat Tamara to a bloody pulp. Extremely violent things went through my mind and to be honest it scares me to think about them right now. I am thankful I did not act on those violent impulses. I got drunk instead and luckily, I did not relapse and self-injure.

If I had seen her while I was drunk last night, I think I would have killed her - no ass whooping; death, pure and simple. Do you have any idea how frightening it is to think you are capable of murder? Had I not been with Tori, who knows what would have happened. There is so much rage brewing inside me right now and all I can say is Tamara better hope I do not see her anytime soon. I do not know if I would be able to control myself.

That cunt won Nick, but that is okay. He has proven he was not really a friend anyway. If he were, he would not have fallen for her bullshit lies. He would have talked to me before accusing me, to hell with him. I am not going to defend myself. I have done nothing wrong. He can rot along with her in exile from my life. Nick is dead to me.

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