Thoughts

Paul Passed a Major Test

2 years ago
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I’ve been feeling a bit off the past week or so. officially moved in with me on New Year’s Day and I’m trying to adjust. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. and I were inseparable and we always stayed together but that was either at my mom’s apartment or our friend’s house, we never had our own place.

I’m not one for lies and head games, I never have been, but I started pushing Paul, thinking about it now I realize that I was testing him, looking for any little thing to turn into a deal breaker, to see if he can put up with my shit. The things I found to blow up were legitimate concerns but they weren’t the enormous red flags I made them out to be. He didn’t have a chance. The one in me that prefers solitude and not risking my heart still has quite a hold over my actions and reactions. I don’t know why I expected all of my doubts and fears about and relationships to evaporate. Obviously, all of them didn’t, but to my surprise and relief many of them are .

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Our Relationship is Starting to Hit a Few Snags

2 years ago
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Before I took to his business appointment late last night he was dicking around on Facebook. I don’t usually pay attention to what he’s doing online but he pulled me over to him when I was walking by his chair. I happened to look at the screen and see an open IM from a woman he had told me a few minutes before was someone in his . This woman was telling him she missed him and wished she had a snuggle buddy and he parroted what she said. Seeing that IM added fuel to an already smoldering fire because of a few text messages I seen on his phone from his ex a few days ago. It instantly pissed me off, for obvious reasons, and I confronted him about it.

He assured me it was nothing to worry about because she lives in Kansas and there has never been any sexual activity between them. He also said it was just harmless flirting. I said if he had seen a similar conversation between another man and me he would be hurt and pissed. He said he didn’t think about it that way and I was right, then he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again.

I told him he needs to stop leading other women on otherwise we are going to have some serious problems. Then I mentioned what I knew about his conversations with his ex. I asked him if plans on leaving me and moving back to where she is. He said he had no intentions of ever going back to her and he only maintains contact because he loves her daughter like his own and he wants to make sure she is alright. Then I asked him if his ex knows he doesn’t want to get back together with her and he said probably not. I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that and he started getting defensive. Then I asked him how he would feel if the situation was flipped and I was leading one of my exes on. He seemed to understand my position at that point.

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Mini Update

2 years ago
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It’s been awhile since I’ve updated and I’m a bit overwhelmed by the amount of I have to catch up on, a lot of it includes things about and our relationship, , my recovery progress, analysis of 2009, and other significant recent events. However, I currently do not have time to get into the details because I have to pick Paul up from in 30 minutes. I feel uncomfortable writing posts when he is around. I need to make time for myself soon.

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Next Stop… the Long Haul

2 years ago
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Yesterday was a very lazy day for and me. After our tiff Saturday, and I agreed that Monday would be a no-appointment day, so we were both off . We spent the most of the day in my bedroom with a locked door. We had our phones on silent and just spent time together. It was nice to have to day to ourselves, despite it aggravating others.

We vegged out and watched movies, played games, toked, and talked. We did a lot of heavy petting as well. About 3am, he fell asleep. I was awake and sexually frustrated.

I was listening to Lithium on Sirius XM and “Alive” by P.O.D came on. It was one of me and ’s . We’ve had a similar insomniac schedule for as long as we’ve known each other so I decided to text him. (more…)


Dinner with Paul and His Family

2 years ago
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and I had a rude awakening yesterday morning. My grandpa walked into my room without knocking and turned on the overhead light. Paul and I was sound asleep and naked. Apparently, I was asleep on my back and the blanket wasn’t covering my breasts.

I instantly woke up when the light came on and I turned onto my belly as quickly as I could. I’m not sure saw anything or not and I’m sure not gonna ask him. He should’ve known better than to just barge into my room like that anyway. After left, Paul’s aunt barged in and then my mom. We were starting to get very pissed off about it, so we locked my bedroom door and went back to sleep.

A couple hours later I had to get up for . I knew I’d only be working half a day because Paul talked me into going to his ’s Christmas dinner with him. They planned to have it the 13th because many of them are going to be out of town for Christmas.

I was nervous about going and I had been worrying about it for a few days. I was afraid they would all hate me or vice versa, but it was important to him that I be there, so I sucked it up and went.

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