'we all go a little mad sometimes'
Guys
Dinner with Paul and His Family
2 years ago
Paul and I had a rude awakening yesterday morning. My grandpa walked into my room without knocking and turned on the overhead light. Paul and I was sound asleep and naked. Apparently, I was asleep on my back and the blanket wasn’t covering my breasts.
I instantly woke up when the light came on and I turned onto my belly as quickly as I could. I’m not sure Pawpa saw anything or not and I’m sure not gonna ask him. He should’ve known better than to just barge into my room like that anyway. After Pawpa left, Paul’s aunt barged in and then my mom. We were starting to get very pissed off about it, so we locked my bedroom door and went back to sleep.
A couple hours later I had to get up for work. I knew I’d only be working half a day because Paul talked me into going to his family’s Christmas dinner with him. They planned to have it the 13th because many of them are going to be out of town for Christmas.
I was nervous about going and I had been worrying about it for a few days. I was afraid they would all hate me or vice versa, but it was important to him that I be there, so I sucked it up and went.
Communication is Fucking Hard
2 years ago
Friday night, Tori, James, Taylor and Jacob spent the night. I took off work Saturday to deal with the busted pipe mess. Paul called around noon and wanted to see me. He wasn’t mad, but he did give me hell about not taking his phone charger back up to the bar for him.
His step-aunt, Stacey, was with him when I picked him up from Preston’s house. Apparently, she had a blowout with her man and she needed a place to crash for a few days. I didn’t really want to take in another stray, but I wanted to help her for Paul.
She and Taylor went with me to take him to a private job. I don’t know exactly what goes on during those housecalls and I really don’t want to, but my imagination was running on overdrive and I copped an attitude with him when he got back. My feelings were amplified by hormones because I started my period the day before.
It was obvious I was upset and he wanted to know what was wrong. The core issue was I hate the housecall part of his job, but I didn’t express that immediately. I tried to be nice about it because I didn’t want to start a fight, but he kept pushing the issue, he wanted to know why exactly I was upset and what he could do to fix it. He kept talking about communication and how key it is to a successful relationship.
Paul is Integrating Me into His Life
2 years ago
Thursday night Paul had a private show after work and I assumed he would go to his house afterwards so I invited Tori over to spend the night. Tori and I chilled and caught up a bit since we haven’t had much if any alone time lately. We fell asleep shortly before 3am. Paul woke me up a little after 5:30am.
I wasn’t expecting him to come over and I don’t like being woken up when I’m finally sleeping, but I wasn’t mad. In fact, I was glad he came over, even if he was a little drunk – a side effect of working at a bar. We talked quite a bit and he told me more about his past. He also told me he loves me, again. After he said it, he said he probably said more than he should, but it is how he feels.
I admire his honesty and ability to express his feelings, but I am a commitment/intimacy-phobe and it spooked me. I care about him, but I don’t love him yet and I wasn’t going to lie to him and say that I do. Instead, I hugged and kissed him and told him that I like him a lot. I know it isn’t what he wanted to hear, but when I say those important words, I want to mean them. Tori slept through it all.
Standing On the Brink…
2 years ago
My horoscope1 for today blew my mind. It said, “You definitely weren’t expecting to fall in love now — and definitely not this fast. If you have misgivings, do not — repeat, do not — ignore that little voice in the back of your head.”
My relationship with Paul is moving full steam ahead; at light speed, actually. I’m not complaining. I’m just in awe once again about how quickly life can change. One seemingly insignificant choice and the whole rest of your life can be forever changed. I’m not certain what the long-term outcome of our relationship will be, but I do know that the short-term effects so far have been drastic, but in a good way.
I like him a lot. I feel giddiness bubbling within me at the mere thought of him. However, due to my history, I also feel apprehensive. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and completely trust him, in fact, my heart is demanding it, but I’m not a naïve schoolgirl anymore. I’m trying to keep a tight leash on my heart, but it is a challenge. Every minute that Paul and I spend together weakens my defenses more and more. Hell, at this rate we may be co-habitating and pregnant within a couple of months.
- based on my birth chart [↩]
Counseling: Session 4
I had another counseling session yesterday. There was a lot to catch Jan up on. I told her about mom moving out, my promotion, and Paul. We also briefly talked about Tarica and Tara. The majority of the session was spent discussing Paul and our whirlwind romance.
There was a red flag1 for her, which is the same one I seen, but she also gave him kudos about something. She wanted to know if he knows anything about the sexual abuse in my past. I told her he knew about one part; my ex-stepdad.
A few nights ago, Tori, Paul and I were hanging out and somehow we all got on the topic of oral sex. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation Paul said something about how he could tell I didn’t enjoy giving head, but we can work on that. After his comment, I laughed and said, “Good luck with that. I hate going down on men, with good reason. Normally, I will only give head when a: I’m shitfaced, b: I really really like the guy, or c: both a and b.” I could tell he wanted to ask why, but he waited until we were alone later.
We had been kissing and caressing each other, and then he pulled his lips from mine and asked, “Why don’t you like giving head?” I had known he would ask me about it, but I didn’t expect it to be during foreplay. I looked at him and told him that now wasn’t the best time to talk about it because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.
- the fact that we’ve known each other for less than two weeks and he’s already asking me to have his child [↩]
I miss mania and hypomania […]
