My Episodes

Physical Health Update

9 months ago

in Family & Friends, My Episodes, Physical Health, Treatment

I skipped work today. I was awake until almost 6am thinking about that Oprah show and my past. I was too exhausted to deal with people. I knew I had a doctor appointment at 2 so I intended to get some sleep, go to the doctor and then work the rest of my split shift. It didn’t work out that way. After the doctor, I went home and fell asleep and woke up too late to go to work.

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Bug Dudney family health Jules meds physical health Tori Treatment weight

I Think I Can…

2 years ago

in Events, Family & Friends, Guys, My Episodes, Relationships, Thoughts

The twists and turns life can throw still astonish me. For awhile there I was certain that I’d been through as much hell as possible without dying and it was finally my time to enjoy more than fleeting happiness, I was foolhardy and impulsive.

Paul is a short man, but his charisma is impetuous. Napoleon comes to mind for some damn reason, probably because I’m toking, listening to my breakup playlist and having dozens of thoughts sweep through my mind every millisecond.

When I’m happy, I’m extremely happy, but it’s a very short-lived burst. Then something else tragic or devastating happens and poof, everything disintegrates so quickly I am left wondering if it was all just a dream.

I got swept up in my relationship with Paul. I was considering having his baby within six weeks of meeting him; little did I know I was already carrying his babies¹ Surely, I should’ve known it was possible. After all we were fucking like rabbits and never used protection. I was living second to second without considering consequences.

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BipolarChick
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When I went to the doctor the 11^th, the doctor told me he thought I had carried twins because the amount of pain, blood loss, and weight loss. [↩]

bloodletting breakup cutting family feelings friends happiness love manic miscarrage Paul regret Relationships Suicide Thoughts writing

Recovery Is Still a Challenge

2 years ago

in Bipolar Disorder, My Episodes, Recovery, Thoughts

The aspect of recovery from mental illness that is most difficult for me is having the knowledge that relapse is not only possible, it is inevitable. It has made me damned near obsessive with self-awareness. Many thoughts, behaviors, and urges I have are automatic, but I find myself frequently questioning them shortly thereafter.

For instance, if I have the urge to exercise, I ask myself if it’s because an episode is in progress or impending, then other questions follow, such as: Is it because you’re manic and have too much energy? Is it because you want to lose weight? If so why do you want to lose weight? Are you ashamed of your body? Are you starting to hate yourself again?

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anger fear feelings manic relapse shame Thoughts weight

On the Lookout

3 years ago

in My Episodes, Relationships, Sexcapades, Thoughts

The chains that bound me to certain people have weakened near the point of disintegration and I’ve given myself a clean slate. As a result, I am de-stressed and I can breathe freely.

This whole being happy thing kinda scary. It’s been awhile since I’ve considered myself happy. Since I’ve been off the meds, I’ve been paying attention to myself, watching for signs of a relapse or an improvement.

I see a drastic improvement. However, I’m afraid a manic episode could be creeping around the corner. So far, I haven’t noticed any significant symptoms. Nevertheless, my happiness is somewhat disturbing. Right now, I’m trying to figure out whether I’m “happy” or if I’m nearly “euphoric.” While the latter feels post-orgasmic, it signals an impending nosedive. I don’t feel post-orgasmic currently, but I do feel ecstatic¹.

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perhaps residual effects of the x I did a few days ago or the fantastic sex I had with someone I actually like [↩]

family feelings friends happiness manic meds relapse sex symptoms Zane

Trudging Along Alone

3 years ago

in Events, My Episodes, Relationships, Thoughts

In real life, I am reticent and I have all but mastered the art of ambivalence. So many things are going on and to top them off I do not know if I am coming out of an episode or going in to one.

I feel like it could go either direction right now. I dread the road of depression, the mere thought of fighting through another one is painful, but in a strange sense, it is almost comforting.

The threat of yet another episode is looming over my head. The strange part about it is I am not sure which type of episode. For the most part thus far, I have been fighting against it and treading water, but I’m only doggy-paddling now. The urges to pull away from everyone and everything are getting stronger, but the desire to get closer to some people is still holding its ground.
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