Flashbacks

28

Big Sis, Lil Momma

6 days ago
in , , ,

I began adulthood when I was five years old. It was gradual that first year, but after my mother got pregnant by my then step-father the learning curve grew steeper with each passing month. By my mother’s sixth month of pregnancy I learned was an alcoholic pervert. By her seventh month, I had learned how to play opossum while being sexually assaulted. By her eighth month, I learned it was my duty to assume the responsibilities she ignored or forgot. By her ninth month, I learned how to take care of a baby because neither nor my mother could be trusted to handle it. I fell in with the first time I saw him and I took my role as big sister very seriously. I knew I would protect him at all costs.

The day my mother and brand new baby brother were released from the hospital I learned Larry was also physically abusive and how to rescue them from him. I learned by sheer guy instinct. Larry was and started arguing with my mother. She said something and he threw her up against the dryer and started slapping and punching her. He broke her glasses for the first time. I was screaming at him, trying to distract him and get him to leave her alone. The baby was crying. took off outside to get away from Larry. I ran to David and picked him up; trying to soothe him and stop his crying. I was scared shitless that Larry was going to hurt him if I couldn’t settle him down.

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23

The State of My Physical Health

6 days ago
in , ,

After meeting my hematologist, in January, I started thinking about my and what I need to do to make it better. He told me I have to stop smoking, start exercising, and lose . Smoking and all the extra I’m carrying increases my already high risk for stroke, blood clots, heart attack, embolus, and deep vein thrombosis. Those factors no doubt attributed to my high blood pressure and diabetes as well. I’m at a point where if I don’t do something to turn the decline of my physical around it will kill me sooner rather than later and I won’t be able to carry a baby full-term. I can’t handle another .

A few months after I graduated high school I embarked on a journey to lose weight. I succeeded. I lost 100 pounds in eight months, but I did it in a less than healthy way. I took prescription diet pills and I severely restricted my caloric intake. It got to the point where I would fast 3-4 days a week and on the days I would it, I wouldn’t eat more than 500 calories. I isolated myself from everyone. I was starving myself. My was worried about me and there were rumors of me using to lose weight, which were untrue.

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beat up

2011 Recap

1 month ago
in

Overall, I would call 2011 a bad year, but it had its moments:

Best Moments

  1. My beautiful nephew, Logan, was born.
  2. My sister married a good man who truly loves her.
  3. I didn’t have any episodes.
  4. I stopped basing my relationships on and I let myself truly get emotionally involved with a man for the first time since .
  5. My heart didn’t get broken.

Worst Moments

  1. Uncle Butch, Bill, Aunt Nita, and Adrian died… all within two months of each other.
  2. My mother was committed to TCBH again.
  3. I realized my relationship with my brother is irredeemable.
  4. I had some major financial difficulties due to taking on too much responsibility where my was concerned.
  5. I was diagnosed with a couple of disorders that were the likely cause of my miscarriages.

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thunderbird

Liberated from the Guilt and Shame

6 months ago
in , ,

I watched Oprah’s “Inside the Mind of Child Molesters” last night. It was a very difficult show for me to watch. It brought a lot of and memories to the surface. 

She interviewed four offenders, two of which reminded me of the two abusers who caused me the most harm. One was a father who molested his daughter; he reminded me of my , . The other was a guy who started molesting a younger member when they were both children. He eventually started raping her as well. He reminded me of my cousin. 

I was sexually abused from ages six to twenty, by more than a dozen offenders. I’ve spent more than 85% of my life smothered by the resulting and . The sexual affected my capacity to form healthy relationships. I still have been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship because I intimacy and vulnerability. I thought, at their core, that every man has the ulterior motive to hurt me in one way or another. 

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The Perfect Date – BipolarChick Style

1 year ago
in ,

I have been on many dates1, most ended with 2, but the best ones never did. I’ve had 2 perfect dates. The greatest was with , the other was with .

The date with Erick wasn’t traditional to say the least, in fact, none of them were. We were in with each other six months before we physically met. The first time we hung out together in real life, and were with us. It was in the North Platte Wal-Mart parking lot. After AAA unlocked his car, we went to see his band practice at the Bat Cave. It had a rocky start, but good finish. Our third date was the best one. We had walked to a great park, complete with a fountain, swings, picnic tables, and sprinklers.

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  1. not just first dates [↩]
  2. By the way, I don’t care about judgments about sex on the first date. Usually, I would have sex with a man so I could emotionally detach from him, I would also gather my courage from a shot glass. Knowing my past, can you really blame me? I didn’t think so. We do what we have to do to survive. It’s amazing what we can convince ourselves is “okay”, “not bad”, or “fine” [↩]
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