Diagnoses

In late December 2005, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder type 1 - it was after a attempt that my sister interrupted.

‘Bipolar disorder type one’ means that I have full-blown and major depressive episodes. There are three types of cyclers: average, rapid and ultra-rapid. Average cyclers have one or two episodes a year. Rapid cyclers have at least four episodes a year. I’m an ultra-rapid cycler, which means I have several episodes and they change frequently. My moods can shift several times a day, but my intense episodes last between a few weeks and several months.

I have also been diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Panic Disorder.

Whew! That’s a mouthful!

I refused to admit I had Bipolar Disorder for a long time, partly because the stigma surrounding mental illnesses. I was deeply ashamed that I couldn’t “fix it” on my own. . I had hoped like hell that it would skip me, but both of my parents have BD; there was like a 75%-ish chance I would have it; damn the luck!

Anyway, I’m no longer in denial. I admitted I have some problems that I couldn’t handle alone anymore. While I was getting stitches for some self-inflicted wounds, a psych nurse in the E.R. made me think about what I was doing and where my chosen path was leading. I knew if I didn’t get help I would be dead before the end of 2007.

To keep from having a ‘nervous breakdown’ I checked myself into a behavioral health center in January ’07. I had gotten to the point where I was seriously injuring myself physically and engaging in very risky behavior – hoping to die.

I still have depressive episodes, but I haven’t been suicidal (at least with intent to carry it out) since my hospitalization. I’ve been making a lot of progress and each day I become healthier and more stable. There are setbacks now and then, but I’m learning better ways to cope with them instead of cutting or bloodletting.

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