In late December 2005, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder type 1 – it was after a suicide attempt that my sister interrupted.
‘Bipolar disorder type one’ means that I have full-blown manic and major depressive episodes. There are three types of cyclers: average, rapid and ultra-rapid. Average cyclers have one or two episodes a year. Rapid cyclers have at least four episodes a year. I’m an ultra-rapid cycler, which means I have several episodes and they change often. My moods can shift several times a day, but my intense episodes last between a few weeks and several months.
Whew! That’s a mouthful!
I refused to admit I had Bipolar Disorder for a long time, partly because the stigma surrounding mental illnesses. I was deeply ashamed that I couldn’t “fix it” on my own. I had hoped like hell that it would skip me, but since both of my parents are bipolar there was like a 75%-ish chance I would have it; damn the luck!
Anyway, I’m no longer in denial. I admitted I have some problems that I couldn’t handle alone anymore. While I was getting stitches for some self-inflicted wounds, a psych nurse in the E.R. made me think about what I was doing and where my chosen path was leading. I knew if I didn’t get help I would be dead before the end of 2007.
To keep from having a ‘nervous breakdown’ I checked myself into a behavioral health center in January ’07. I had gotten to the point where I was seriously injuring myself physically and engaging in very risky behavior – hoping to die.
I still have depressive episodes, but I haven’t made any suicide attempts since shortly before my hospitalization at Brookhaven. I’ve been making a lot of progress and each day I become healthier and more stable. There are setbacks now and then, but I’m learning better ways to cope with them instead of cutting or bloodletting. After going almost two and a half years without self-injuring I relapsed April 29, 2010. It was a very disappointing relapse, but it deepened my desire to stop hurting myself.
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About BipolarChick (599 posts)
I’m a thirty-something bipolar woman, an advanced tech agent with a pay tv provider, tax preparer for a local charity, current Tulsa inhabitant, and I’m one credit shy of an Associate Degree in Liberal Arts. I’m working on recovery from self-injury and working toward stabilizing my bipolar symptoms. Recovery is very important to me. I’ve been mostly single the past few years and plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of jackasses, assholes, and married men. I have no children of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews I love to spoil.