The State of My Physical Health
After meeting my hematologist, in January, I started thinking about my health and what I need to do to make it better. He told me I have to stop smoking, start exercising, and lose weight. Smoking and all the extra weight I’m carrying increases my already high risk for stroke, blood clots, heart attack, embolus, and deep vein thrombosis. Those factors no doubt attributed to my high blood pressure and diabetes as well. I’m at a point where if I don’t do something to turn the decline of my physical health around it will kill me sooner rather than later and I won’t be able to carry a baby full-term. I can’t handle another miscarriage.
A few months after I graduated high school I embarked on a journey to lose weight. I succeeded. I lost 100 pounds in eight months, but I did it in a less than healthy way. I took prescription diet pills and I severely restricted my caloric intake. It got to the point where I would fast 3-4 days a week and on the days I would it, I wouldn’t eat more than 500 calories. I isolated myself from everyone. I was starving myself. My family was worried about me and there were rumors of me using meth to lose weight, which were untrue.
I was still living with my mother at the time. My cousin, Owen, was living with us. I shut him out as well, but he was able to draw me out of my room from time to time, when he brought his friend, Layfield, over to the house. Between the two of them, I rejoined the world outside of my room. I had a very tumultuous on-off relationship with Layfield for about nine years afterwards.
I started gaining the weight back about two years later after I had lost it, when I got engaged to Raymond and got on the depo- provera shot. It took about five years, but I gained back all the weight I lost and then some. I’m about twenty pounds less than I was at my heaviest, right now.
I don’t know if I can quit smoking and I’m afraid to try just yet, so I decided to tackle my weight again, except this time I would do it in a healthier way. I’ve got plenty of bad habits to break: I eat comfort foods when I’m bored, emotional, anxious, stressed, confused, sad, afraid, or happy; I eat one or two medium to large meals a day; I don’t drink water; I skip breakfast; I eat most late in the day; and to top it all off, I’m not very active.
I lost too many people to death last year. It started with one of my favorite uncles, then a buddy, then my favorite great-aunt, and then the best male friend I ever had. What made it harder to bear was they all died within a 60 day timeframe. Their deaths made me start thinking about my own mortality and I am unfinished. I don’t want to die like this, without accomplishing my goals. It’s time to stop putting them off because death can happen anytime, whether I’m ready for it or not.
I started making changes right after Adrian died. I switched teams and supervisors at work, I stopped dating Forrest, I started withdrawing from Sugarbear, I confided in Erick again, I all but quit talking to Charlie, and I got an apartment alone.
The supervisor change didn’t work and about a week and a half ago I got that changed back. I’ve already noticed a difference in how I feel at work, which is a good thing. I slipped up and fucked Forrest once more. I’ve been yo-yoing with Sugarbear. I realized Erick is a douchebag. I’m friends with Charlie again. The only change that has stuck so far is having an apartment alone.
February 4th, I started a multi-dvd exercise program called the Supreme 90 day system. It involves working out six days a week and has 10 dvds. It’s hard, even the damn warm-up gets me out of breath and starting to sweat. I’ve been eating healthier and starting to drink water as well. I did fine the first week, until I stepped on the scale and saw that I had already lost four pounds. I don’t know why, but it freaked me out. I stopped the exercise program and started giving in to cravings of pizza and ice cream. I had the urge to eat, even when I was already full.
I started my period yesterday and haven’t had many cravings since then, so I’m hoping it was just pre-menstrual hormones. This period is a painful one, thanks to the adenomyosis, and has kept me curled up with a heating pad most of the time. I plan to start back on the exercise program as soon as my period is over. I can do this. I have to do this.
On this day..
- And the stress begins again… - 2007
About BipolarChick (599 posts)
I’m a thirty-something bipolar woman, an advanced tech agent with a pay tv provider, tax preparer for a local charity, current Tulsa inhabitant, and I’m one credit shy of an Associate Degree in Liberal Arts. I’m working on recovery from self-injury and working toward stabilizing my bipolar symptoms. Recovery is very important to me. I’ve been mostly single the past few years and plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of jackasses, assholes, and married men. I have no children of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews I love to spoil.