Overall, I would call 2011 a bad year, but it had its moments:
- My beautiful nephew, Logan, was born.
- My sister married a good man who truly loves her.
- I didn’t have any cutting episodes.
- I stopped basing my relationships on sex and I let myself truly get emotionally involved with a man for the first time since Erick.
- My heart didn’t get broken.
- Uncle Butch, Bill, Aunt Nita, and Adrian died… all within two months of each other.
- My mother was committed to TCBH again.
- I realized my relationship with my brother is irredeemable.
- I had some major financial difficulties due to taking on too much responsibility where my family was concerned.
- I was diagnosed with a couple of disorders that were the likely cause of my miscarriages.
However, four of the five worst moments turned out for the best.
- TCBH was able to get my mother semi-stabilized and she is making progress. We are rebuilding our relationship.
- I love my brother and nothing will ever change that, but a relationship with him is negative for me. He lies to and steals from his family and he chose a manipulative, selfish, conniving liar as his wife. He chose her over his own blood and then tried to blame it on me. It’s kind of ironic really; he chose to believe a pathological liar over his own sister, who has never lied to him. He also conveniently forgot that I was the only person in his family who supported their relationship at all, until I couldn’t deny the truth about her pregnancy and motives any longer. Nevertheless, it worked out; I am a gazillion times better off without him and Shawna in my life.
- I gave up the apartment I had with Dudney because I couldn’t bear the financial burden of five other people. I made it almost nine months and then I realized I couldn’t keep putting everyone else’s needs above my own. Sugarbear validated my feelings and that was the final push I needed to make the decision to get my own apartment again… Just me. I need to recharge and relax. The stress was unmanageable.
- Getting tested for the cause of my recurrent miscarriages was difficult. I was terrified because I thought I would hear something like, “You cannot have children. There is no hope.” Instead, I was told it was risky, but very possible for me to carry a baby to term under certain guidelines. It hurt to think about my lost babies and what could have been, but once I faced that and got an answer, it helped; my guilt was assuaged. I learned that I was not to blame for the miscarriages.
The only bad things that happened this year that I cannot put a positive spin on are the deaths of four of my loved ones. I mourned all the loved ones I lost this year, but the one that grieved me most was Adrian. I still grieve for him. Without him, I feel an emptiness that no one or nothing can fill, but each day it hurts a little less. I’ll never forget the kindness and love he showed me. He was my protector, my rescuer, and my hero.
2011 ended wonderfully. I got an apartment alone and started focusing on myself and what I want instead of putting everyone else first. 2012 will be a great year!
On this day..
- Lithium 101 - 2008
About BipolarChick (599 posts)
I’m a thirty-something bipolar woman, an advanced tech agent with a pay tv provider, tax preparer for a local charity, current Tulsa inhabitant, and I’m one credit shy of an Associate Degree in Liberal Arts. I’m working on recovery from self-injury and working toward stabilizing my bipolar symptoms. Recovery is very important to me. I’ve been mostly single the past few years and plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of jackasses, assholes, and married men. I have no children of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews I love to spoil.