I’m feeling much better emotionally. Sugarbear and I had a good talk last night. He sent me another pic of him all smiley and gorgeous. I’ve known him for over three years and we’ve been, as lame as it sounds, courting for the past year, as of December 12th.  I’m ridiculously attracted to him. He still gives me butterflies, just as he did from day one. We are still a bit guarded with each other sometimes, but he opened up some tonight.

He’s off his pedestal, but I still want him. No man in my entire life has kept me interested without for a year. The closest was , with eight months… and I thought and I moved painfully slow. Haha, if I only knew then… Well, come to think of it, I’m glad I didn’t know what was going on because I really loved with as much as my heart as I could and had I known the truth from the start, I would not have experienced that with him. Not excusing him, but I know things would have been very different and I don’t want that. He’s turned into a jerk, either that or my blinders are off and I have the benefit of hindsight. Can’t change the past but I can prevent it from repeating.

When something is really bothering me, I sometimes vent to or bounce ideas off of Sugarbear. I him and he doesn’t judge me. I had already told him about my living situation1. Sugarbear never tries to force a solution down my throat. He listens to me, which gives me the opportunity to stand back, evaluate the situation, and come up with my own fix, and then he will give me his opinion. I knew my next check would be pretty good because it would have my sales incentive. I thought about what to do. I could either spend my entire check trying to stay afloat where I was the only person working. That didn’t sound appealing, especially because I knew I’d be back in the same place within a couple of weeks. My other choice was to allow the eviction and either get my own apartment or move in with my grandparents. I wanted to get my own place. I told him I was considering moving out alone. He thought it was the best solution for me. I like that he is looking out for my best interest.

The tough part will be in implementing my new plan. I still feel guilty for throwing in the towel. I worry about where the will go and I will miss them. Dylan and I are really close. However, Sugarbear keeps reminding me that I’ve been taking care of them for almost nine months and it’s time to put myself first. I had already made the decision, but without his validation, I probably would have let and sympathy prevent me from changing my priorities and putting myself first and I would pour all my into keeping a roof over their heads and the utilities on yet again.

I started apartment hunting via craigslist and the Tulsa World classifieds earlier. I’m off tomorrow so I’m gonna go box hunting and try to narrow down my choices. I don’t get paid until Friday, so I’ll get up early Friday morning and go looking at apartments.

Adrian’s passing proved to me that just takes an instant and we’re never guaranteed tomorrow. It’s time to do what I want and consider what’s best for me. I deserve some before I die. The season for sacrifice is over. “It’s a new day. It’s a new dawn. It’s a new life for me.”

On this day..


  1. My cousin and her three kids moved in with me and a couple of weeks before her husband went back to jail. Shortly after he was locked back up, she lost her job and didn’t bother looking for a new one. Things were tough but and I managed to keep everything paid up for about six months. Then was fired and I was the last one working. He was convinced he’d get unemployment so he didn’t bother looking for a job. We found out it was denied a few days ago. There is no way I can come up with almost a 1000 for rent, water, & late fee, plus the 400 for electric, not to mention the other household bills and necessities. [↩]