I watched Oprah’s “Inside the Mind of Child Molesters” last night. It was a very difficult show for me to watch. It brought a lot of and memories to the surface. 

She interviewed four offenders, two of which reminded me of the two abusers who caused me the most harm. One was a father who molested his daughter; he reminded me of my , . The other was a guy who started molesting a younger member when they were both children. He eventually started raping her as well. He reminded me of my cousin. 

I was sexually abused from ages six to twenty, by more than a dozen offenders. I’ve spent more than 85% of my life smothered by the resulting and . The sexual affected my capacity to form healthy relationships. I still have been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship because I intimacy and vulnerability. I thought, at their core, that every man has the ulterior motive to hurt me in one way or another. 

The abuse from my cousin damaged me the most. I didn’t want to participate in sexual activity with him, but it was the price I had to pay for affection and attention. I was painfully neglected at home, except when I was being beaten, molested, or raped by my ex-stepfather. 

My cousin used and to manipulate me into giving in to his advances. The other abusers used fear and intimidation. I eventually adopted the philosophy that it was easier to give in and get it over with than to fight it because they always won anyway. 

My cousin and Larry both began sexually abusing me when I was asleep. Larry would skip right to penetration. It never physically felt good. It always hurt. I usually played opossum while praying for it to hurry up and be over, begging God to make him stop, or wishing someone would catch him. 

My cousin did it quite differently. Initially, he would fondle me while I was sleeping. Then he would massage me seductively. Eventually, he began penetrating me with his fingers, then his tongue, and then his penis. I knew what was happening was wrong, but I thought it was my fault; that I must have done something to invite the abuse. I never wanted it to happen, but it physically felt good. My body betrayed me and it made me hate myself even more.

Oprah said, “So if you’ve been carrying the guilt, the shame, which is the true horror of thinking that you are to blame for your own abuse simply because it felt good, that is exactly what they wanted you to feel so that you wouldn’t tell. It is not your fault.”

I forgave my cousin a long time ago, but I still blamed and hated myself for the abuse. Hearing a fellow survivor say that it wasn’t my fault even if it felt good, made me finally believe that none of the abuse was my fault.  It was a very emotional and liberating moment for me.

Thank you, Oprah!

 

On this day..