'we all go a little mad sometimes'
Archive for August, 2011
Goodbye For Now, Uncle Butch
5 months ago
I was awakened by a text message this morning from my Uncle Don, letting me know that his namesake passed away around 10am this morning. He sent it in a text message because my grandparents tried calling to let me know, but I didn’t answer. I was asleep.
The news has been fairly expected because I knew his cancer was terminal, however, it was still quite jarring. I knew it was going to happen, but I didn’t really believe it was going to; I guess I expected a miracle or something. The disbelief and denial were momentary and then the tears started flowing along with fond memories of one of my favorite great uncles.
He was a funny, loving, outdoorsy family man who was proud to be called a redneck. Some of my fondest childhood memories include him and his farm. He was the world’s greatest catfish cook and a great family man. I have been told he had a dark side, but I never see it. He always made me laugh, even when I was terrified of his killer goose.
Paul and Sugarbear
5 months ago
in Guys, Relationships
I become unsettled when little things often happen that triggers memories of an ex. It usually means I’m going to hear from him or see him somewhere. For a person like me, who believes everything happens for a reason, it’s difficult to ignore. It usually gets me thinking about our past together, then I end up analyzing… then we are back in each others lives before I know whether I want it or not.
For the past few weeks, a lot of things have reminded me of Paul, i.e., the number 3341, songs, Facebook, finding out about the cause of my last miscarriage, not to mention his texts and phone calls.
- it was his phone’s area code when we met and I’m seeing it a lot. [↩]
Physical Health Update
5 months ago
I skipped work today. I was awake until almost 6am thinking about that Oprah show and my past. I was too exhausted to deal with people. I knew I had a doctor appointment at 2 so I intended to get some sleep, go to the doctor and then work the rest of my split shift. It didn’t work out that way. After the doctor, I went home and fell asleep and woke up too late to go to work.
Liberated from the Guilt and Shame
5 months ago
I watched Oprah’s “Inside the Mind of Child Molesters” last night. It was a very difficult show for me to watch. It brought a lot of feelings and memories to the surface.
She interviewed four sex offenders, two of which reminded me of the two abusers who caused me the most harm. One was a father who molested his daughter; he reminded me of my ex-stepfather, Larry. The other was a guy who started molesting a younger family member when they were both children. He eventually started raping her as well. He reminded me of my cousin.
I was sexually abused from ages six to twenty, by more than a dozen offenders. I’ve spent more than 85% of my life smothered by the resulting shame and guilt. The sexual abuse affected my capacity to form healthy relationships. I still have been unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship because I fear intimacy and vulnerability. I thought, at their core, that every man has the ulterior motive to hurt me in one way or another.
Lab Results
5 months ago
in Events
Well, I have finally found out what caused all of my miscarriages so I can stop blaming myself. I had a transvaginal ultrasound a few months ago and the doctor found that I have Adenomyosis. They also ran a Lupus panel, which required 14 vials of my blood. The results showed I have Antiphospholipid Syndrome. Apparently, it’s a serious diagnosis so my doctor wanted to wait 4 months and do the test again to see if it was transient or persistent. I had it done again a few weeks ago and got the results by mail today. I tested positive again and they are demanding I schedule an appointment asap. Isn’t that lovely?
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