Ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell you something? I’ve had that feeling several times this weekend.  There are some huge changes coming, my self-imposed isolation, in all of its forms, has outworn its welcome, and is on its way out.

I’m petrified, yet excited at the same time. I’ve gone through many reclusive periods and social butterfly phases over the years, but am ready to achieve a balance between the two. I have this lone wolf warrior façade, but deep down I need to feel loved and I need people.

I’ve been terrified of meaningful contact (besides friendship) with men for as long as I can remember. There have been times (, , ) I’ve taken the risk and thus far I ended up regretting it every time. However, I don’t those experiences any longer. I am thankful to each of those men for the they gave me.

I’ve let of abandonment and heartache turn me into a manizing shell bitch. It has held me back from getting too close to new people, especially men. My emotional barriers have been impenetrable. Even the love I felt for Paul was blunted. I never put my whole heart into it, which is part of the reason it didn’t out between us. I went along for the ride; dragged by his momentum.

I haven’t put my whole heart into a relationship since Erick and I broke up almost eight years ago. I allowed our failed relationship to haunt me and cast its shadow on all of my following relationships. I’ve used him as an excuse to justify running away from intimacy, commitment, and ultimately love. I’m going to stop getting in my own way and open myself up to love, damn it, I deserve it as much as anyone else.

I must burn the skeletons of my failed relationships and demolish the prison I banished my heart to so long ago. I can’t do that if I continue random flings, one night stands, fuckbuddies, and most of all, affairs with married men. I have to start avoiding other commitment-phobes. They have been my safety net. Now I have to cut those ties.

I just hope my libido will cooperate. Perhaps I’ll keep one friend with benefits around until I meet a man I want for more than just . Celibacy and I don’t get along, and if I stopped cold turkey I would end up slutting around again.

 

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