Archive for February, 2010

I Think I Can…

1 year ago
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The twists and turns life can throw still astonish me. For awhile there I was certain that I’d been through as much hell as possible without dying and it was finally my time to enjoy more than fleeting , I was foolhardy and impulsive.

is a short man, but his charisma is impetuous. Napoleon comes to mind for some damn reason, probably because I’m toking, listening to my playlist and having dozens of thoughts sweep through my mind every millisecond.

When I’m happy, I’m extremely happy, but it’s a very short-lived burst. Then something else tragic or devastating happens and poof, everything disintegrates so quickly I am left wondering if it was all just a dream.

I got swept up in my relationship with Paul. I was considering having his baby within six weeks of meeting him; little did I know I was already carrying his babies1 Surely, I should’ve known it was possible. After all we were fucking like rabbits and never used protection. I was living second to second without considering consequences.

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Thanks,
BipolarChick

  1. When I went to the doctor the 11th, the doctor told me he thought I had carried twins because the amount of pain, blood loss, and weight loss. [↩]

Going Back to the Doctor Today

1 year ago
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I am feeling somewhat better. I haven’t cried since yesterday. The past couple of days I worked 11 hours shifts because the distraction really helps. If I’m at then I’m busy and unable to think about losing my baby and within a day of each other.

There have been so many people here for me through this heart wrenching time and I’m more grateful that I can even express. If it wasn’t for my and and Paul’s I don’t think I would have pulled through, at the very least I would have relapsed and self-injured, at worst I would have killed myself. I’m far from healed or over losing the baby, but at least I’m not bursting into tears every few minutes anymore.

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The Morning After

1 year ago
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I feel so much boiling within me that I’m afraid of what I could do. I have to release some of it and the healthiest way I can think to do that is to write and/or talk.

I had a long talk with last night and I got a lot out, but I couldn’t express everything fully. She’s caring and sensitive and tends to take on other people’s problems over her own and I don’t want to burden her or anyone else with all of this.

I had several visitors1, calls, and texts yesterday and I am grateful for the , comfort, and support so many people have shown me, but in some instances it made me feel worse. I can’t stand to see pity in one more person’s eyes or face.

Things that were so important to me as little as a day ago no longer matter. I’m completely enveloped with agony and no one has been able to console me, which makes me feel even worse because they are trying so hard to help me.

I’ve cycled through many and emotions over the past 22-ish hours: love, confusion, panic, , shock, , hate, despair, contempt, sadness, grief, hopelessness, rage, disbelief, sorrow, , , and many more.

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  1. Tori, , , Kayla, , , Taylor – ’s niece, Taylor’s boyfriend, E, and Nick’s girlfriend [↩]

Happiness Has Abandoned Me Yet Again

1 year ago
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Life can still change with the blink of an eye. This time last week, I was happy, in , and pregnant. Today I’m devastated, single, and not pregnant.

I just got home from seeing the doctor a little while ago because I woke up about 9:30 this morning with severe cramps and bleeding. I was under an extreme amount of due a situation I don’t want to discuss right now.

At first the doctor thought I was just having normal bleeding that happens sometimes early in pregnancy. She calculated the length of pregnancy by my last normal period and said I was almost 9 weeks pregnant. Then she said my due date was September 17th. After that she did an ultrasound and for a minute she had a very solemn look on her face before she said, “I’m sorry, sweetie, but you are having a .” And then she showed me the shadow that had been my baby and I can’t even describe the pain I felt and still feel. The doctor had blood drawn to see if I’m anemic and to check my hcg level. She wants me to come back on the 11th to see if they will need to do a d&c.

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