Our Relationship is Starting to Hit a Few Snags
Before I took Paul to his business appointment late last night he was dicking around on Facebook. I don’t usually pay attention to what he’s doing online but he pulled me over to him when I was walking by his chair. I happened to look at the screen and see an open IM from a woman he had told me a few minutes before was someone in his family. This woman was telling him she missed him and wished she had a snuggle buddy and he parroted what she said. Seeing that IM added fuel to an already smoldering fire because of a few text messages I seen on his phone from his ex a few days ago. It instantly pissed me off, for obvious reasons, and I confronted him about it.
He assured me it was nothing to worry about because she lives in Kansas and there has never been any sexual activity between them. He also said it was just harmless flirting. I said if he had seen a similar conversation between another man and me he would be hurt and pissed. He said he didn’t think about it that way and I was right, then he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again.
I told him he needs to stop leading other women on otherwise we are going to have some serious problems. Then I mentioned what I knew about his conversations with his ex. I asked him if plans on leaving me and moving back to where she is. He said he had no intentions of ever going back to her and he only maintains contact because he loves her daughter like his own and he wants to make sure she is alright. Then I asked him if his ex knows he doesn’t want to get back together with her and he said probably not. I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that and he started getting defensive. Then I asked him how he would feel if the situation was flipped and I was leading one of my exes on. He seemed to understand my position at that point.
I understand that he is an adult entertainer and that using his looks and sexuality to his advantage has become second nature to him. He frequently admits he is desensitized to a lot of things because situations his chosen career path had put him in. However, I don’t consider that an acceptable excuse to flirt with women and lead them on outside of his job. Business is business, but when we are at home, I don’t want him bringing his job, clients, or groupies with him in any way.
He’s having a hard time understanding why it bothers me and I’ve been doing my best to explain it to him, but verbal communication about feelings, relationships, and other intimate subjects is not my strong suit. Usually I bottle that stuff up until I explode and start a huge fight, or until I get fed up and push people away. I am making an effort to communicate these things in a healthy way, but it’s an ongoing struggle at this point.
My relationship with Paul has far more advantages and positives at this point that disadvantages and negatives, however, I am not ignoring red or yellow flags and I will evaluate them as they come. I will also continue to maintain important boundaries and ensure that I don’t lose myself in this relationship as I have done in a few of my past relationships.
After I picked him up from his appointment, we stopped at the store for cigarettes and stuff. Before he went inside he told me that he needed to tell me something. I asked what and he said “I’m sorry about flirting with that woman online earlier and I’m also sorry that I lied to you.” I asked him what he lied about and he said that she really lives in Tulsa and that he met her at his job before he and I met. He also said that there hasn’t ever been any sexual activity between then and that there won’t be. It hurt me that he lied to me, but I didn’t feel like I could get angry with him because I think it would hinder him confessing in the future. It wasn’t a big lie and it didn’t make my trust for him crumble, but it did crack it a bit. I hope he doesn’t continue doing things that will obliterate the trust, but I’m not going to be naive or ignorant. I’m keeping my eye on him now.
Trust is crucial to a successful and happy relationship and it bothers me that my trust for him is already being undermined, but I’m not going to bury my head in the sand and let things like that continue, especially if I decide to have his child(ren). He wants us to have kids, but I’m not going to make that step while I have doubts about his loyalty to and love for me.
On this day..
About BipolarChick (599 posts)
I’m a thirty-something bipolar woman, an advanced tech agent with a pay tv provider, tax preparer for a local charity, current Tulsa inhabitant, and I’m one credit shy of an Associate Degree in Liberal Arts. I’m working on recovery from self-injury and working toward stabilizing my bipolar symptoms. Recovery is very important to me. I’ve been mostly single the past few years and plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of jackasses, assholes, and married men. I have no children of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews I love to spoil.