Thursday night had a private show after and I assumed he would go to his house afterwards so I invited over to spend the night. and I chilled and caught up a bit since we haven’t had much if any alone time lately. We fell asleep shortly before 3am. Paul woke me up a little after 5:30am.

I wasn’t expecting him to come over and I don’t like being woken up when I’m finally sleeping, but I wasn’t mad. In fact, I was glad he came over, even if he was a little – a side effect of working at a bar. We talked quite a bit and he told me more about his past. He also told me he loves me, again. After he said it, he said he probably said more than he should, but it is how he feels.

I admire his honesty and ability to express his , but I am a commitment/intimacy-phobe and it spooked me. I care about him, but I don’t him yet and I wasn’t going to lie to him and say that I do. Instead, I hugged and kissed him and told him that I like him a lot. I know it isn’t what he wanted to hear, but when I say those important words, I want to mean them. Tori slept through it all.

About 7am we decided to get some sleep. He crawled in the bed between me and Tori and we snuggled up. When I woke up to start getting ready for work at 10:30 I had a splitting headache. Work the day before was a nightmare and apparently the triggered a migraine. I just got down to a step 1 on my attendance record and I knew missing a day would put me back on step 2, but I also knew I couldn’t function properly with a migraine, so I called in.

Shortly afterwards, Tori and Paul both woke up. I told them I called in and then we had a wake and bake. I wanted to go back to sleep, but Paul wanted to start partying since it was Friday. Tori had to babysit, so she left. Paul and I went to the liquor store, and then we went over to his friend, Preston’s, house.

I had dropped him off there once or twice, but I never went in. I had a headache and would have preferred to stay at home. However, I went with him anyway. Preston had company already. Paul introduced me to everyone, they were all gay men. I tried to ignore my headache so I wouldn’t seem like a stuck-up bitch, but it was hard. Paul had me make jagerbombs for everyone, and then we smoked out.

I’m usually only social when I’m or hypomanic and I’m neither right now, so I had to push myself to interact with his . I had a good time though, despite my headache, especially when Paul started modeling his new work underwear.

Throughout our conversations, Paul kept referring to me as his girl and he kissed me several times in front of Preston and Tony. I could feel some resentment coming from them, but they didn’t make any snide comments until Paul said, “I want you to tell me that you love me.” I just looked at him and smiled and said it with my eyes. From then on Preston referred to me as “Paul’s life partner” with a shitty tone in his voice. My headache got worse and Paul could tell I was ready to go, so we left and went to his house.

His roommate, Charles, was there. I had met Charles once before and I really liked him. We talked quite a bit. Paul talked Charles into showing me his drag pictures. Charles looks really good in drag. It was hard to tell he wasn’t a real woman. He was telling me how much he respects women because all they have to do and go through, while Paul was surfing Undergear’s website looking for new outfits for work.

Charles asked me if like Paul as just a friend. I told him I like him as a lot more than that. Then he told me how much all the gay boys wish Paul was into them, but he’s not. Shortly afterwards, Paul gave me a heart and crown charm. Charles thought it was cute and demanded that Paul and I pose in front of their Christmas tree so he could take some pictures of us.

Paul’s sister and brother-in-law called and invited him over to play poker. He invited me. I didn’t really feel like going, but I was willing to go because it seemed important to him for me to meet his sister.

Charles went to the casino with one of his friends, so Paul and I had some alone time. He began cooking dinner. Before it was done, four people showed up looking for Charles. They were some of his relatives. Paul introduced me, but I was really tired and my headache had come back in full force, so I stayed in the living room.

After we finished eating, Paul and I curled up on the couch and fell asleep. After we had been asleep for about twenty minutes, C.J.1 woke us up. It was time for Paul to start getting ready for work.

While he was in the shower, Charles’ came into the living room with me. I didn’t talk to them because I was exhausted and in pain. When Paul was finished, I took him to work. He wanted me to go in and spend more time with him, but I wanted to go home and get some rest.

I went home and planned to take a nap and go see him afterwards, but Tori, James, Taylor, and Jacob came over. I stayed up with them for awhile and then I fell asleep. I woke up about 3:30am. One of the pipes in the back bathroom busted and water was shooting everywhere.

There wasn’t anything I could do to stop it so I went back to bed about 5am. I woke up again about 8:30 and the landlord showed up shortly afterwards. He’s trying to get a plumber, but it may be awhile. I had to call in to work again to deal with the mess.

When I try calling Paul, it goes straight to voicemail. I hope he just has his phone shut off and that he isn’t mad at me, but if he is, he’ll have to get over it.


  1. one of the dancers Paul works with [↩]