I had another counseling session yesterday. There was a lot to catch Jan up on. I told her about mom moving out, my promotion, and . We also briefly talked about Tarica and . The majority of the session was spent discussing Paul and our whirlwind romance.

There was a red flag1 for her, which is the same one I seen, but she also gave him kudos about something. She wanted to know if he knows anything about the sexual in my past. I told her he knew about one part; my ex-stepdad.

A few nights ago, , Paul and I were hanging out and somehow we all got on the topic of oral . Somewhere in the middle of the conversation Paul said something about how he could tell I didn’t enjoy giving head, but we can on that. After his comment, I laughed and said, “Good luck with that. I hate going down on men, with good reason. Normally, I will only give head when a: I’m shitfaced, b: I really really like the guy, or c: both a and b.” I could tell he wanted to ask why, but he waited until we were alone later.

We had been kissing and caressing each other, and then he pulled his lips from mine and asked, “Why don’t you like giving head?” I had known he would ask me about it, but I didn’t expect it to be during foreplay. I looked at him and told him that now wasn’t the best time to talk about it because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

He told me not to worry about that. He said, that he could tell it was something that really bothers me and I could him and that he would never hurt me. He also said that I didn’t have to tell him if I didn’t want to but he would be there whenever I was ready to talk about it. I decided to give him the gist of the story. I waited with bated breath for his reaction.

He reacted like no one ever had before. In the past, when I told a man that particular story they would either brush it off like it I should be over it by now, they would change the subject, or they would silently put up a wall and begin to emotionally distance themselves from me.

Paul didn’t respond in any of those ways. He said, “Baby, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I will never do anything like that to you. I understand and I’ll be here for you anytime you need me for anything, even just to talk.”  After that he held me tight in his arms and caressed my back.

Jan was even more pleased by his reaction than I was and she gave him kudos for it. She said that if I ever want to bring him to a session I can. I told her I might sometime, but it’s too soon right now. Our relationship is new and exciting; I don’t want to kill it with horror stories of my past. I don’t want to burden him with it. I’m trying to take things one day at a time.

I dropped the bipolar bomb on him as well and he didn’t run screaming for the hills, so that’s a good sign. Now if I could just delay him bringing up us having children for awhile things would be gravy.

On this day..


  1. the fact that we’ve known each other for less than two weeks and he’s already asking me to have his child [↩]