I had my third counseling session today. It was my first with the licensed therapist, I will call her Jan. The counselor in training, whom I will call Jane, didn’t join in for today’s session. Jan wanted a solo session with me to get a better grasp on my case. She had read the file Jane started, but had questions of her own.

She asked me what had originally brought me there, so I told her about and all the shit she stirred up and the . I just gave her a brief rundown of the facts and she said that Shawna seems like a devious bitch that fits a classic abuser profile, i.e: deceptive, manipulative, isolates him from his loved ones, jealous, possessive, controlling, etc. After the appointment, I was hanging out with . She had counseling today too. She said that she told her counselor the whole story about Shawna and her counselor said Shawna is a cunt. I thought that was funny.

Jan asked me about my bipolar diagnosis and wanted to know some of my past . She said there is often a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder when it is really PTSD. I told her about the history of bipolar, some of the low and highlights of past , and some of my behaviors. She didn’t make a conclusion one way or the other, or if she did, she didn’t inform me. It’d be nice to have my bipolar diagnosis wiped away, but I doubt that will happen. From all I know of bipolar disorder, I certainly meet the criteria, and the seven psychiatrists I can remember agreed with the diagnosis of bipolar 1 and PTSD.

Jan then asked if there are certain times of year I tend to have episodes and if there are any anniversaries that depress me. I told her November tends to be rough because it is the anniversary of my sister’s and birth, and January also tends to be bad because the anniversary of my first . I’ve had two other miscarriages, but they didn’t devastate me as bad as the first one because they happened during the first month of pregnancy and because I didn’t allow myself to get attached.

I try to avoid thinking about that loss and her questions made if feel so fresh and raw. She wanted to know what I called my baby while I was pregnant. I answered her questions, and then began crying. She told me that she wants me to find a way to honor my sister and the baby I lost. She thinks I may not have completed the grieving process.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I called the baby “Peanut” or “Lil Bit,” I had decided if the baby was a boy I would name him Tarance Waldon or if it was a girl I would name her Tarica Leigh Dawn.

My deceased sister’s name was and my other sister’s name is Jessica, so I combined the two and got Tarica. My grandparents’ names are Waldo and Donna, which is how I came up with Waldon. My brother’s name is David. I chose Leigh because my grandpa’s middle name is Leland and my brother’s middle name is Leslie, so I just took the Le part and changed the spelling. Dawn is Tori’s middle name so I picked it after her and our grandma.

I feel that my baby would have been a girl. I decided the best way to honor both my sister and my baby girl is to have a private ceremony where I officially name her. I will do it on my sister’s birthday, November 21st.

On this day..