I was listening to the radio on my way home from last night and “My Sacrifice” came on. It has been me and ’s song for about seven years. Several months ago, he sent me a video clip of him in his car with that song playing on the radio. He was surprised they still play it. I figured I would send him a text message to see how he’s doing since we’re still . I told him about the song and he said they still play it there too and it always makes him think about me.

We texted each other for about three hours, during which we talked about several things, including (big surprise, right?). I had good intentions, but we ended up reminiscing about our past together. Among other things, he told me I’m more sexually compatible with him that anyone else he’s ever been with and he’d have with me anytime, regardless of who he’s . We ended up sexting (another big surprise, right?).

I confided in him about how bored I am with . After I described a typical evening with , he said that’s what marriage is like. I told him if that’s how marriage is to count me out. I need and intensity as much as I need and security. I am still content as an unmarried woman; I can’t make a lifelong commitment to someone who doesn’t invoke my desire.

I’ve had many skilled lovers (and several that were unskilled). So far, I’ve been with about forty-five men (give or take a few) and there are only three who roused my passion to full force: Erick, , and . The sexual chemistry with them was amazing, but it went deeper than that as well.

The last several dates I’ve had with Greg ended with us falling asleep watching TV, without having sex. Greg is a good man, he makes me laugh, I’m completely free to be myself with him, he respects me, and he is honest, BUT when we kiss I don’t feel anything. I’m not some naïve schoolgirl who expects to get weak in the knees (like when Erick and I kissed) over a kiss, but I expect to feel something. The mechanics are there, but zero fire.

The trip down memory lane with Erick didn’t rekindle a desire to pursue another romantic relationship with him, but it did motivate me to analyze my current relationships and needs.

Greg texted me early this morning; he invited me to go out to the new Hard Rock Hotel & Casino this evening. I accepted. We had dinner at Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill while we were there. Then we came back to my place and watched TV. Surprisingly, we had sex. It was the first time I’ve slept with him in about two months. I was hoping I would experience some passion or at least desire when we kissed, but I didn’t. I wish I could make myself feel more for him, but it’s just not there. I think I had sex with him because the residual horniness from my conversation with Erick and that isn’t fair to him at all.

Maybe if we see each other more often the spark will return. I honestly don’t know what I want right now. He’s not pressuring me for anything, so I guess I’ll just go with the flow and see where it takes us.

On this day..