'we all go a little mad sometimes'
We Just Have to 'Keep On Truckin'
There are many different spectrums with bipolar disorder. I tend to fall into the one that is known as the black hole of depression, where joy, laughter, happiness, and self-love are usually absent or fleeting at best, and misery, hopelessness, self-hatred, and sadness run rampant.
I’ve been withholding things likes like self-love, success, accomplishment, pride, intimacy, etc for longer than I want to admit1 because on some level I didn’t feel worthy of them. Sure I’ve experienced each of them at various points in my life, but never for very long. Everyone’s life has its good times and bad2 but how else would we grow, learn, and become better people?
I now know I am worthy and I even deserve them3, but old habits die hard and I’ve continued to keep most of those things at a distance. It’s hard for me to embrace them, especially intimacy, because of my fear of getting hurt again, among other things.
There are periods where I step back and look objectively at my life and fix the worst parts. I push almost everyone out of my life and try to start anew. Sometimes that method pays off, but most of the time I am left with a raw hollowness within me.
I am skilled at finding some sort of distraction to fill that endless void, but it is stubborn and will not go away. So far nothing has filled it for very long, but the saying, “It can’t rain all the time” comes to mind.
I’m scared of success because at some point in my teenage years I was made to feel ashamed of my intelligence and academic accomplishments. My mom and one of her boyfriends squashed my dreams of becoming a doctor or writer. Additionally, I wasn’t exposed to many successful people or taught to be successful. I was exposed to alcoholics, drug addicts, rapists, molesters, wife-beaters, liars, cheaters, manipulators, hypocrites, and murderers from the time I was born until I began shutting almost everyone out of my life over two dozen years later.
Currently, I am battling my fears and the sense of foreboding they bring. I’m also trying to accept the positive things in my life. It isn’t easy by any means, but nothing about recovery is. I still have a long road ahead, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made so far. I just have to ‘keep on truckin.’
On this day..
- Experimentation - 2008
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I definitely understand, Pam. I have to remind myself to "keep on truckin" frequently because I tend to lean more toward the depressive spectrum of bipolar. The meds have advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately, most of them cause weight gain. My mom had always been really skinny, but over the past 3 yrs or so of taking Risperdal and Depakote she gained at least 70lbs. I refused to take the ones that usually cause weight gain because I'm big enough, I don't need to get bigger. It'll be a yr next month since I quit taking psych meds. I don't recommend people going off their meds though. I felt blah most of the time and the side effects got to be too much. I made an informed decision and I have been monitoring myself closely for signs of relapse. Instead of the meds, I smoke marijuana a few times a week and it keeps me centered and relatively stable, even the meds couldn't accomplish that feat. However, they did pull me out of the depths of severe depression.
I'm glad that your doctors found meds that worked for you so quickly. A lot of bipolars have to experiment with many cocktails to find the right combinations. I did it for 3 years before I finally gave up.
Your husband seems like a great guy, standing by you through all the episodes. Is it easier for him to understand now that you have the diagnosis?
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I miss mania and hypomania […]
I like the phrase "keep on truckin" I need to remember that when things get a little crazy. I'm 44 years old and I was just diagnosed last year with bipolar 2. They say it's the reason for my long years of inappropriate sexual behavior, alcohol and drug abuse, and my flirty happy go lucky personality. I take two meds, one of which I am positive it is making me fat, which really pisses me off because I have always been in control of my weight. One thing for sure it seems like the medication is working because I drink less, fuck strangers less, and well…maybe less happy go lucky. It is a miracle that my husband has stayed married to me for 18 years.