Archive for July, 2009
My brother, David, called me around 4:30 this morning to let me know Shawna had the baby. She had a boy and they named him Aiden Karson. David said he got to cut the cord and he was doting on the baby the whole time we were on the phone. I hope the baby is his. It is heartbreaking to think of how devastated David will be if Aiden isn’t his biologically. There’s a bit of irony to the situation because today is our mom’s birthday too.
Aiden is 22 inches long and weighs 9lbs 1oz. I haven’t seen him yet, but I will probably go up to the hospital later this evening. I have to finish getting all the stuff together for the EEOC first though.
I only have one domain left to move to my new host. Yay! I hate transferring hosts, but my last one dropped the ball and there were several days of downtime the last 2 months because of it. I hope I made a good choice with the new hosting company. So far there have been some glitches, but that’s to be expected when moving so much data from one server to another.
www.bipolarchick.net is fully moved and operational, but those of you who had registered before will need to register again because I couldn’t restore the user database.
I moved the games section to my newest domain, www.mybipolarlifestyle.com. There are over 4000 free games to play. Check them out at www.mybipolarlifestyle.com/games/
I intend to build a social networking community for people with bipolar disorder. It will also be on www.mybipolarlifestyle.com
www.bipolarlifestyle.com will be the same and it is the last domain left to move so there will probably be a few days of downtime on it. I’m still working on the video gallery portion of it as well.
Building and maintaining these sites by myself is a lot of work, but I enjoy it. Since I’m doing it alone, it’s not done as quickly as I’d like it to be, but it’s progressing. I anticipate needing help with mybipolarlifestyle.com before long though.
There are many different spectrums with bipolar disorder. I tend to fall into the one that is known as the black hole of depression, where joy, laughter, happiness, and self-love are usually absent or fleeting at best, and misery, hopelessness, self-hatred, and sadness run rampant.
I’ve been withholding things likes like self-love, success, accomplishment, pride, intimacy, etc for longer than I want to admit1 because on some level I didn’t feel worthy of them. Sure I’ve experienced each of them at various points in my life, but never for very long. Everyone’s life has its good times and bad2 but how else would we grow, learn, and become better people?
I now know I am worthy and I even deserve them3, but old habits die hard and I’ve continued to keep most of those things at a distance. It’s hard for me to embrace them, especially intimacy, because of my fear of getting hurt again, among other things.
There are periods where I step back and look objectively at my life and fix the worst parts. I push almost everyone out of my life and try to start anew. Sometimes that method pays off, but most of the time I am left with a raw hollowness within me.
The last few days I have an intense desire to be more creative. Some of my ideas are to write stories again, build more websites1, create more t-shirt designs, and re-explore photography and abstract painting. I want to try some new things as well like making candles or sculpting.
I tend to start a lot of projects and then give up on them because I get bored, overwhelmed, or hit some other roadblock; after which, I add them to my “finish later” list and move on to something else. The two things that I often come back to are writing and web design. They both come very natural to me and I enjoy them. However, I want to create something without words that speaks to people on a different level. I want to make something beautiful.
- after I get my current ones moved to a new host [↩]
I have a tough exterior, but at heart I’m a sucker. I want to help people out as much as I can and I tend to empathize with them too much. Being that way has brought some satisfaction to my life, but it has gotten me screwed over quite a few times as well. Nevertheless, I am usually unable to say no, even when I know I should.
Case in point, my mother has done everything but shit on me and yet I still feel compelled to help her out. Until the past month, I had little to do with her since last year because she is so burdensome.
My grandpa kicked her out around the time my uncle reconciled with his girlfriend and moved out of my spare bedroom. She didn’t have anywhere to go and she asked me if she could stay at my house for awhile. I told her she could stay a few weeks despite the fact she had stolen my car the week before.
She lies to and steals from me to support which ever addiction (gambling, drugs, men, etc) is controlling her at any given moment. She has proven she can’t be trusted and she has steadily become more and more irresponsible.