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Recovery Is Still a Challenge
This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Topic: Bipolar Disorder, My Episodes, Recovery, Thoughts
The aspect of recovery from mental illness that is most difficult for me is having the knowledge that relapse is not only possible, it is inevitable. It has made me damned near obsessive with self-awareness. Many thoughts, behaviors, and urges I have are automatic, but I find myself frequently questioning them shortly thereafter.
For instance, if I have the urge to exercise, I ask myself if it’s because an episode is in progress or impending, then other questions follow, such as: Is it because you’re manic and have too much energy? Is it because you want to lose weight? If so why do you want to lose weight? Are you ashamed of your body? Are you starting to hate yourself again?
Is it because you’re attracted to a guy who is into bodybuilding and training? If that is the reason why, you don’t have to lose weight to get him. He’s into you the way you are. Well, maybe he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Maybe he’s just a flirt. Maybe he wants to change me. What if he has a fetish with getting people athletic?
If I get upset or irritable I ask myself things like: Is my anger a symptom? Do I have a right to be angry? Why do I feel like snapping at people? Are you pushing people away on purpose?
If I don’t want to get out of bed or do something I ask myself: Is it because you’re depressed and exhausted? Is it laziness? Is it fear? Are you trying to sabotage yourself?
I thought it would get easier as time went by but it hasn’t as much as I expected. Recovery from mental illness isn’t like recovery from addiction. Willpower goes a long way with addiction, but it is nearly useless regarding mental illness. Living with this illness is like having an internal timebomb ticking away and you can’t defuse it, but you always know it’s there. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed because I have to be so self-aware. Occasionally, I miss the days when I was carefree and didn’t give a damn. However, not fighting through it isn’t an option. I can’t let myself get back to the place where I just wanted to kill myself and be done with it. THAT is Hell.
On this day..
Tags: anger, Bipolar Disorder, fear, feelings, manic, My Episodes, Recovery, relapse, shame, Thoughts, Thoughts, weightRelated posts
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I can relate totally to everything you’ve said here — thanks for putting it into words.
No problem.
Oftentimes, I begin writing without even really knowing what my point is. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head sometimes, the only way to sort them out is to write them down. It usually works out and I discover something about myself that I can work on objectively or it allows me to see what I’m struggling with. Once I have an idea of what is holding me back I am able to tackle it, or at least watch out for it.