Unfortunately, seems to be just another asshole.  I had high hopes for the relationship, mostly because we seemed so in sync and we connected on so many different levels. However, my expectations and hopes have been dashed yet again.

I’m no fool when it comes to men and I can usually spot a jerk almost instantly1 whether they are undercover or not. Therefore, I am more than a bit surprised with the speed I let him into my inner world because I am usually on red-alert when it comes to attachment and . Nevertheless, he sneaked under the radar. He is quite charming, funny, witty, attractive, sensual, easy to talk to, and great in bed. I immediately recognized that he lacks consideration and thoughtfulness; however, I chalked it up flaws I could live with since he seemingly had so many other qualities that I value. Other baggage was present from the get-go, but the advantages of moving forward seemed to outweigh it at the time.

What’s happening isn’t a black and white situation; there is plenty of gray area. Therefore, I’ve been in a bit of a limbo state the past few weeks. We did not have a blowout fight, nor did he outright betray me or anything like that. In actuality, I almost wish there was or he had, because the way things played out I’m left to speculate without a real sense of closure, and a what-the-hell-happened? feeling. I detest that feeling almost as much as being lied to, led on, blown off, or disrespected. I feel like he has done all four and I’d be lying if I said I am not angry. In fact, on a scale of 0-5 my level is around 3.5. I consider that a moderate range because it typically ranges between vindictive rage and complete repression and both are known to trigger my urge to self-injure.

I still don’t completely trust my perspective on my own relationships and events within them because I have wrongly assumed things out of irrational thoughts and fears more than a few times in my past. On the other hand, many things in my life that were pointed out as irrational fears or thoughts ended up being exactly correct. Nevertheless, I can’t stay in limbo any longer and I have made the decision to walk away from my relationship with Zane for the time being. A part of me is yearning for closure, I want it permanently settled one way or the other, but I think I need more time to gain perspective before I discuss the situation with him or make a final decision. There is a possibility that I am misinterpreting things and I don’t want to burn a bridge that has so much potential over what may be my self-sabotaging tendencies trying to take over.

Despite the current state of our relationship and the fact that he hurt me, I don’t regret getting involved with Zane. Overall, it was a good experience and I wasn’t knocked off the horse so to speak. There are two other men currently in my life eager to take Zane’s place. Additionally, there are two other somewhat recent acquaintances interested as well. Obviously, I still have to do regarding my ability to moderate my life and before I commit to a serious relationship with Zane or anyone else I want to explore my options a bit more and take things at a reasonable pace.

During the experience with Zane, I woke up emotionally and I accepted that the past is the past and it is unchangeable; yes, I have made hundreds of mistakes and bad choices; yes, bipolar disorder has made my life a living hell at times; yes, I have been badly burned and betrayed by people I loved; yes, atrocious things have happened to me; however, no matter what calamity has befallen me, I have survived and grown as a person because of it. That does not mean that I am happy about everything that has transpired or that I would choose to relive those incidents. It does mean that I appreciate the occurrences as learning experiences and that I have come to understand they were of necessity.  Things are going to happen, good and bad, that much is guaranteed. Nevertheless, I refuse to continue dwelling on the bad to the hindrance or expulsion of the good. It’s time to take things as they come and enjoy life as is.

On this day..

  1. which hasn’t kept me from having with them, but has deterred me from getting emotionally involved [↩]