The aspect of recovery from mental illness that is most difficult for me is having the knowledge that is not only possible, it is inevitable. It has made me damned near obsessive with self-awareness. Many thoughts, behaviors, and urges I have are automatic, but I find myself frequently questioning them shortly thereafter.

For instance, if I have the urge to exercise, I ask myself if it’s because an episode is in progress or impending, then other questions follow, such as: Is it because you’re and have too much energy? Is it because you want to lose ? If so why do you want to lose ? Are you ashamed of your body? Are you starting to hate yourself again?

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