Archive for June, 2009
The aspect of recovery from mental illness that is most difficult for me is having the knowledge that relapse is not only possible, it is inevitable. It has made me damned near obsessive with self-awareness. Many thoughts, behaviors, and urges I have are automatic, but I find myself frequently questioning them shortly thereafter.
For instance, if I have the urge to exercise, I ask myself if it’s because an episode is in progress or impending, then other questions follow, such as: Is it because you’re manic and have too much energy? Is it because you want to lose weight? If so why do you want to lose weight? Are you ashamed of your body? Are you starting to hate yourself again?
I’ve been working hard the past couple weeks building a new website. It’s called Bipolar Lifestyle and it started out as the main page of this domain, but it grew and developed its own purpose. It’s not completed yet but it’s getting there. Check it out!
Anyway, I’ve been digging deep into the depths of long forgotten files on my computer looking for content ideas, plugins, code, and such. I stumbled on files from my very first domain1 and I found something within the files called “The Rules of Jen.” It was compiled by Simon Lamont, who happens to be a big fan of females named Jen or derivatives thereof. He called the essence Jens have “Jenitude.” He used to have a website devoted to finding “Sites of Resplendent Jenitude” and my old site used to be one of them. Way back then, I was dating Erick and when he read the Rules of Jen he said, “Who the hell is Simon and how does he know you so well?!?”
I read this list again and got a good laugh, parts of it still ring true to me. I guess bipolar disorder hasn’t affected my “Jenitude”. The Rules of Jen follow:
- I cringe to think of that site now [↩]
Unfortunately, Zane seems to be just another asshole. I had high hopes for the relationship, mostly because we seemed so in sync and we connected on so many different levels. However, my expectations and hopes have been dashed yet again.
I’m no fool when it comes to men and I can usually spot a jerk almost instantly1 whether they are undercover or not. Therefore, I am more than a bit surprised with the speed I let him into my inner world because I am usually on red-alert when it comes to attachment and trust. Nevertheless, he sneaked under the radar. He is quite charming, funny, witty, attractive, sensual, easy to talk to, and great in bed. I immediately recognized that he lacks consideration and thoughtfulness; however, I chalked it up flaws I could live with since he seemingly had so many other qualities that I value. Other baggage was present from the get-go, but the advantages of moving forward seemed to outweigh it at the time.