On the Lookout

The chains that bound me to certain people have weakened near the point of disintegration and I’ve given myself a clean slate. As a result, I am de-stressed and I can breathe freely.

This whole being happy thing kinda scary. It’s been awhile since I’ve considered myself happy. Since I’ve been off the meds, I’ve been paying attention to myself, watching for signs of a relapse or an improvement.

I see a drastic improvement. However, I’m afraid a manic episode could be creeping around the corner. So far, I haven’t noticed any significant symptoms. Nevertheless, my happiness is somewhat disturbing. Right now, I’m trying to figure out whether I’m “happy” or if I’m nearly “euphoric.” While the latter feels post-orgasmic, it signals an impending nosedive. I don’t feel post-orgasmic currently, but I do feel ecstatic¹.

If I get the urge to take Zane to the sex club (or go on my own) and do it without hesitating, then it’ll be a problem. Obviously, that isn’t the only scenario, but that is the level of impulsivity (and lack of concern for consequences) that I’m watching out for.

I’m hoping my contentment levels are elevated because the good things in my life² and not because it’s a symptom.

I think actually being able to see that it may be a symptom means that it isn’t because when I’m in that state I’m not aware enough of myself to analyze my feelings or behavior and its consequences.

On this day..

• A Buried Memory Returned to Haunt Me - 2007
• Guys - 2004

1. perhaps residual effects of the x I did a few days ago or the fantastic sex I had with someone I actually like [↩]
2. i.e. friends, family, Zane, great sex, decreased stress [↩]