, , and their two children, Isaiah aka Chase and Kailyn, temporarily moved in this past Sunday. Having young children here was a bit of a shock to my system. It’s been years since I’ve been around a 6 year old for longer than a couple hours. I would shy away from around that age because they require so much time and attention.

Sometimes, I am easily distracted and it can be enormously difficult for me to focus on the same thing for an extended period. I can force myself sometimes, but it consumes a great deal of my energy and eventually I must shut myself off to regenerate.

At times, I am capable of ignoring the urge to isolate because a great sense of personal responsibility and the desire to maintain my self-reliability. However, I can only fight it so long. The amount of time varies according to the amount of I am under during that time. If I don’t give in to the urge then I eventually get physically ill, at which point I spend a lot of time alone so I can get better. I believe that is why I got pleurisy last month.

I have learned not to keep pushing myself beyond the point of serious physical illness because it weakens my mind’s defenses and I do things I later , such as frequent and meaningless one-night stands or multiple fuckbuddies simultaneously, unrestrained shopping sprees, or frequent all-night get-togethers where I and other substances. When those things stop working, I use razor blades to slice my flesh or needles to pierce my veins. I push people away with a massive amount of irritability or inattention. Sometimes, I leave town on a whim without awareness of the possible consequences. If those things fail, I lock myself in my room away from the world to contemplate or plan my . One of the worst I have ever known is desolation. It has led to a few hospital stays and suicide attempts. My life becomes very precarious at that point. Thankfully, I am not at the place. In fact, I am reintegrating myself into society, beginning with my after a several month stint of moderate-severe isolation.

I was off yesterday and I left the confines of my room to spend time with my new houseguests, especially the children. Kailyn and I hit it off from the first time we met several months ago, but I haven’t ever spent a lot of time with her. She’s almost nine months old now. These last few days I have seen her a lot and I can easily get her to laugh or smile. Spending time with her brings me great pleasure and satisfaction. Her brother, Chase, is full of life and questions. He is a sweet little boy and he tells me several times a day that he loves me. Owen’s kids are quickly earning a large place in my heart.

Owen has changed a lot since he became a father. I enjoy seeing him with his children. He is a devoted and loving father and husband. I thought men like that were extinct. Witnessing it has brought me new hope and planted the seeds of faith within me. It has opened my eyes to the possibility of finding a good man. I am proud of Owen. He has really stepped up and embraced his responsibilities. Carah is pregnant again. She is due around the end of August. They have a wonderful family together and it has been very beneficial for me to spend time with them.

On this day..