Archive for February, 2009

Bye Bye, Bug Guy aka Patrick

2 years ago
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After five days of avoiding Patrick’s 6+ a day calls to me, I finally answered one. Patrick is persistent and would not take the hint that I really didn’t want to talk to him. I answered it just so he would stop calling. He has a tendency to drive by my house several times a day when I don’t talk to him, so I figured he knew I was home.

I knew he was looking for some naughty talk and perhaps a mid-afternoon rendezvous. I wasn’t interested, which is part of the reason I was avoiding his calls. At first, I didn’t really know what to say to him. I hadn’t really thought about him or our situation in any significant detail.

He and I have been having together irregularly for over a year. and know him as either the Guy (he usually comes over in his uniform and he’s an exterminator) or Plan-B Guy (he usually leaves a box of Plan B contraceptives in my mailbox the morning after).

After I answered his call, he immediately began telling me that he knew I was avoiding him because he’d been driving by my house. Then he started talking sexually.
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California May Legalize Marijuana Soon

2 years ago
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The first step to legalizing marijuana in California is about to be made.

San Francisco – The Snitch – Legalize It: Ammiano to Introduce Legislation Monday to Allow Pot — and Tax It

Houseguests from Heaven

2 years ago
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, , and their two children, Isaiah aka Chase and Kailyn, temporarily moved in this past Sunday. Having young children here was a bit of a shock to my system. It’s been years since I’ve been around a 6 year old for longer than a couple hours. I would shy away from around that age because they require so much time and attention.

Sometimes, I am easily distracted and it can be enormously difficult for me to focus on the same thing for an extended period. I can force myself sometimes, but it consumes a great deal of my energy and eventually I must shut myself off to regenerate.

At times, I am capable of ignoring the urge to isolate because a great sense of personal responsibility and the desire to maintain my self-reliability. However, I can only fight it so long. The amount of time varies according to the amount of stress I am under during that time. If I don’t give in to the urge then I eventually get physically ill, at which point I spend a lot of time alone so I can get better. I believe that is why I got pleurisy last month.

I have learned not to keep pushing myself beyond the point of serious physical illness because it weakens my mind’s defenses and I do things I later , such as frequent and meaningless one-night stands or multiple fuckbuddies simultaneously, unrestrained shopping sprees, or frequent all-night get-togethers where I alcohol and other substances. When those things stop working, I use razor blades to slice my flesh or needles to pierce my veins. I push people away with a massive amount of irritability or inattention. Sometimes, I leave town on a whim without awareness of the possible consequences. If those things fail, I lock myself in my room away from the world to contemplate or plan my . One of the worst I have ever known is desolation. It has led to a few hospital stays and suicide attempts. My life becomes very precarious at that point. Thankfully, I am not at the place. In fact, I am reintegrating myself into society, beginning with my after a several month stint of moderate-severe isolation.
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On MLK, Jr. Day: I, Too, Have a Dream

2 years ago
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I know this was written over a month ago, but I just stumbled upon it earlier. I found it to be a very touching article. I hope we live to see this dream come true.

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In celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr.:

I have a dream that one day I won’t hold my breath every time I tell a person that I suffer from bipolar disorder, that I won’t feel shameful in confessing my mental illness.

I have a dream that people won’t feel the need to applaud me for my courage on and speaking publicly about my disease, because the diagnosis of and bipolar disorder would be understood no differently than that of diabetes, arthritis, or dementia.

I have a dream that the research into genetics of mood disorders will continue to pinpoint specific genes that may predispose individuals and families to depression and bipolar disorder (like the gene G72/G30, located on chromosome 13q), just as specific genes associated with schizophrenia and obsessive-compulsive disorder have been located and identified.

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Clean Slate

2 years ago
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I’m sitting here indulging one of my guilty pleasures… listening to 80s movie soundtracks and golden oldies. I don’t know what it is about them, but they affect me in a positive way. I used to escape into books and to help me get through when I was younger and unable to control much about my life. Those have good memories attached to them. They bring out more of the old me than I’ve seen in years.

I’ve been off , recovering from pleurisy, for about a week and a half. I’ve spent a great deal of that time resting, but I’ve also had a lot of time to re-evaluate things in my life. I’ve been thinking about how indifferent I have been and why I lost the desire to truly live.

The realization didn’t come easy. The effects of those mind-numbing that were shoved at me the past three years has finally diminished enough that I am starting to feel again. I am beginning to emerge from the cave and join the land of the living again.
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