In real life, I am reticent and I have all but mastered the art of ambivalence. So many things are going on and to top them off I do not know if I am coming out of an episode or going in to one.

I feel like it could go either direction right now. I dread the road of , the mere thought of fighting through another one is painful, but in a strange sense, it is almost comforting.

The threat of yet another episode is looming over my head. The strange part about it is I am not sure which type of episode. For the most part thus far, I have been fighting against it and treading water, but I’m only doggy-paddling now. The urges to pull away from everyone and everything are getting stronger, but the desire to get closer to some people is still holding its ground.

I am becoming overwhelmed. I am nearly exhausted and I am afraid I am about to fuck my job up… again. The mandatory six-day workweek among other things is starting to take a toll and I am beginning to dread my job.

I desperately want to reach out to someone I can and rely on to help pull me back, but it is unfathomably difficult for me to allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone. Additionally, I have finally pushed my oldest friend out of my life. and I ended our friendship last week.

I am ready to get to the next chapter of my life, but I am not sure what I want it to be like. I am afraid I will hope for too much and be let down once again. I do not even know what I deserve, so here I am, Forest Gumping my way through each day, trying to keep afloat.

On this day..