So much has been happening the past few months I have become numb. I am having a hard time processing everything at once, so I am trying to break it down event by event and address each one individually.

Recent Events and/or Developments
• My Grandma called me last night to tell me that my biological father called their house and spoke with my . He told him that his mother died awhile back, he got out of (again) in October, and that he is sober. Shockingly, he asked about me. My defense mechanisms are working overtime and I am still in shock.

• My brother, , and my best friend, , eloped last Tuesday. My first reaction was fury; it has since mellowed to and disappointment. I was furious because they got married without allowing anyone, me included, to witness it. David chose not to tell us because he knew we would try to talk him into waiting awhile. He is as stubborn as the rest of us. I think he was a bit foolish about rushing into a ready-made . He was out of prison three days when he and Shawna hooked up, they were engaged a week and a half later, two weeks later we found out Shawna is pregnant, and after being out less than five weeks he married her. He told my mom they did it because Shawna was about to start showing and she wanted to get married before that happened. She says that the baby belongs to David. However, there is room for doubt because she was having with another man shortly before David and she hooked up. If the baby is David’s she shouldn’t start showing until the end of March. I did some research and even women who have had multiple pregnancies like she has typically don’t start showing until the beginning of the second trimester – 10 weeks was the earliest I found and that woman was unusually skinny. I am angry with her because I’m not sure she is in with him, I think if she was in with him she would have convinced him to wait until he got back on his feet before rushing off to the altar. Another reason I am mad at her is she expects him to spend all his free time with her, we are his blood and he had been away from us for almost seven years – we had him back three days when she swooped in and stole all his time and attention. In addition, the biggest reason I am angry with her is she is allergic to working. She has a history of not working and expecting men in her life to take care of her financially. I will be damned if she is going to do that to my brother. I am happy that he’s happy, but I’m still worried about him getting hurt or being taking advantage of. I refuse to accept their marriage until she starts helping support herself and her three . Once that happens I will gladly accept it.

• My uncle Don just got out of the hospital a few days ago. His is deteriorating quickly. I think the HIV has progressed to full-blown AIDS.

• Last week, ’s nephew, J.R., (1 of my past lovers) pled guilty to murder and was sentenced to life without parole. I still don’t believe he did it.

• My uncle Brad has Hepatitis C and it is starting to get bad.

• My mother is hearing voices again and having paranoid delusions. I do not know if it is because she is doing again or if it has to do with her medication – whether she is not taking them right or they are not working anymore.

• The anniversary of my sister’s birth and was last month. The anniversary of my last suicide attempt was a couple of weeks ago and the three-year anniversary of my bipolar disorder diagnosis is in a couple days.

• and I have been semi- again the past couple of months. is trying to keep our whatever-you-want-to-call-it alive. has started stalking me again. I fucked Shane last week for the first time. Patrick has been very actively pursuing me. Vance has re-entered my life and I fucked him and Patrick again last week.

• and broke up around the middle of September after only being together a month and a half – the exact timeframe I predicted. However, and I still have not rekindled our friendship. He is still pissed off at me for being right about Tamara and has too much pride to apologize. I deserve an apology and I’m not going to make the first move. It hurts that he hasn’t attempted to reach out to me yet.

• I’ve been off all my except the Wellbutrin since September.

• The anniversary of my first and hardest is coming up.

Those things are the most significant recent events in my life. I started smoking pot again and I’ve been throwing myself into to try to distract myself from all the preceding bullshit.

On this day..