I have mixed about what to do about . I have been considering returning his recent call. I have not had contact with him since a few weeks after my eighteenth birthday when I wised up and finally seen him for who he was and then severed all ties with him. After our falling out, I started referring to him as the sperm donor and I repressed any loving I ever felt toward him.

This could be the opportunity to build a real relationship with him. On the other hand, interacting with him may hurt me all over again and renew the scars he caused. To my knowledge, my father has never been a good man. He is an abusive, misogynistic, sadistic bigot/alcoholic/murderer. The nicest thing I can say about him is he isn’t a child molester or rapist.

My grandpa said that my father told him that he was sober and trying to straighten his life out, which my grandpa does not believe for a second. My father clearly loves the bottle. He spent thousands of dollars on and over his lifetime and spent at least a total of nine years in for charges, which is not even counting the ten years he served for murder.

Is it possible that he has changed, or am I an idiot for even considering it? Should I give my father the benefit of the doubt, or keep my back turned to him?

Despite everything my father had done to my mom and other people, I had him on a pedestal my entire childhood. I fooled myself into believing that if he knew my whereabouts and the terrible things I was subjected to he would rescue me and punish my abusers.

The pedestal remained solid until I was 13, but then it started crumbling. The first blow came when I had directly asked him why he didn’t legally claim me as his daughter. He looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t want to pay child support.”

That answer caused a shit-ton of emotional damage. I questioned my worthiness and lovability. I knew if he gave a damn about me, he would have gladly volunteered to help support me financially; instead, he left the responsibility to my mom and the state welfare system. I thought it was my fault he did not me and it made me hate myself even more than I already did.

Remembering all the reasons why I have kept him out of my life the past eleven years is causing me to relive some of those horrible feelings, but they are helping me realize that how I feel about myself shouldn’t be determined by my perception of his feelings or opinions regarding me. Who the hell is he anyway?

The little girl in me wants to believe that daddy really does love her and she wants to give him another chance. However, I’m having a hard time believing he is capable of being a loving father and I can’t curb my suspicions and stop questioning his reasons for initiating contact. I’m no closer to a decision now than I was when I began writing tonight, but it’s after four am and I have to leave for in about six hours so I’m going to call it a night.