'we all go a little mad sometimes'
Letting Go
I no longer feel any animosity toward Nick for his behavior. However, I am tinged with regret and resentment over the Nick and Tamara situation as a whole. I am not remorseful because I have no reason to be; I did nothing wrong. Nevertheless, I am still mourning the loss of two friendships I considered very dear once upon a time.
I have been giving the situation a lot of thought since the falling out. It is not necessary to keep reviewing how I have been hurt or to assign blame. I am ready to begin letting go of my negative feelings. However, this does not mean I am willing to let one or both of them back into my life. I can forgive them without having to continue associating with either of them.
Instead of thinking of forgiveness as an eraser to wipe another’s slate clean, I will think of it as scissors. I will use it to cut the strings of resentment than bind me to the hurt and other negative feelings this situation has caused. By releasing this resentment, I will set myself free. Wallowing in all the negativity will not alter the situation.
When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then they will lose their power over me and I can let them go.
In the end, I am certain I will be much better off without Tamara in my life. She is poison. Nick, however, is a different story. We both made some mistakes in dealing with the situation and each other. Unfortunately, those mistakes cannot be undone, but it is my hope that we can get past them.
When I said Nick was dead to me I made that decision out of feelings of anger, resentment, hurt, and bitterness. In the future, perhaps Nick and I can begin to rebuild our friendship.
Ultimately, I may not resolve everything with Nick – though that could be pleasant if it transpired. I just want to be rid of the negative feelings because they prevent me from completely enjoying my life.
“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.”
- George Jean Nathan
On this day..
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I'm not quite sure the friendship with Nick can be rebuilt. I am certain that it cannot happen until Tamara is out of the picture. I won't even try until then. I think the reason I am at least somewhat open to the idea is due to the longevity of my friendship with Nick and he did not intentionally hurt me until he felt I wronged him (which I didn't). I hate to throw away a three year friendship over someone's scheme to break it up.
Tamara on the other hand knew exactly what she was doing. She knew what she was doing would hurt me because we had talked about it before. It seems as if she set out to do it – even if she didn't have malice in the beginning she sure as hell did before it was over and did her best to get Nick completely out of my life. Also, I have only known her since February and she has screwed me over intentionally twice – three times if you count her lying to get Nick out of my life. I don't want to give her another opportunity. As for revenge, she isn't worth it. It is enough knowing I can do it. I don't want her coloring my actions anymore. I refuse to continue moping about it. It happened, I cannot change it, and I have no reason to feel guilty. My conscience is clear in this situation and I did it without sinking to her level, which makes me proud of myself.
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I miss mania and hypomania […]
Wow, that's a very sensible state of mind…I'm glad you got to this stage, or at least the realisation that when you are angry, bitter etc, your life won't be a happy one.
So, to summarise, Tamara is well out of the picture (ie, no more mention of her, no more trying to wind her up or make her pay for actions) and Nick isn't completely out of the picture and you are hoping to rebuild a friendship with him at some stage if at all possible (presumably not until he's finished with Tamara?)….may I ask why you feel your friendship with him is worth trying to save? (please do not read any judgement in this question)