I got a letter from my brother, David, earlier. He wrote to let me know he has finally been given a discharge date. He will be home October 7, 2008! He will finally get to hold McKayla and she will get to know her uncle.

I am SO excited and happy he is finally going to have his freedom back and I can hardly wait until he gets home. I have missed him so much these past six years - while he has been locked up.

I have also been worried sick about him since everything that happened between him and the Aryan Brotherhood. There was quite a while where they were threatening to kill him and the state had to keep moving him around to different prisons to keep him safe.

I was not there for him as much as I should have been while he has been locked up, but I will be there for him when he gets out. I feel like I have to get to know my little brother all over again. I want to help him turn his life around and keep him out of trouble. I think I may let him live with me for a while so I can keep a watchful eye on him.

Shawna sent me these net stickers from the myspace bumperstickers application. I think they are very fitting for recent events in my life. They offer some good advice.

Schwarzenegger: I Hit the Bong with Chong (Exclusive)

Shawna and I recently had a conversation about many important things. One of them included discussing what would happen to her daughter if something happened to Shawna. Her sons both have their fathers, but Sarah’s biological father is not a part of her life. Nick has stepped up to take the role of her father figure. Shawna asked me if I would raise Sarah if anything should ever happen to her. I was profoundly touched by her request. It is not every day that someone asks you to be prepared for something as important as raising a child. I gladly accepted.

My last shift at the machine shop ended a little while ago. I put in my notice a little over a week ago. I was offered a job making $2.50 more per hour plus bonus and benefits. I start this coming Monday. It is another customer service job; I am optimistic about this one though. I can go somewhere with this company¹.

I enjoyed working at the shop. It was a low stress work environment. Everyone was laid back, especially the people on night shift. I would like to go back eventually. However, I need health insurance due to an issue I do not want to discuss at this time and the shop does not offer the level of insurance I may need.

Not everyone who has bipolar disorder a.k.a. manic depression experiences every symptom. Some people experience a few symptoms, some many. The severity of symptoms varies with individuals and varies over time.

I no longer feel any animosity toward Nick for his behavior. However, I am tinged with regret and resentment over the Nick and Tamara situation as a whole. I am not remorseful because I have no reason to be; I did nothing wrong. Nevertheless, I am still mourning the loss of two friendships I considered very dear once upon a time.

I have been giving the situation a lot of thought since the falling out. It is not necessary to keep reviewing how I have been hurt or to assign blame. I am ready to begin letting go of my negative feelings. However, this does not mean I am willing to let one or both of them back into my life. I can forgive them without having to continue associating with either of them.

Instead of thinking of forgiveness as an eraser to wipe another’s slate clean, I will think of it as scissors. I will use it to cut the strings of resentment than bind me to the hurt and other negative feelings this situation has caused. By releasing this resentment, I will set myself free. Wallowing in all the negativity will not alter the situation.

Around 10:30 last night, Nick started a fight with me and I know without a doubt that Tamara is behind it.

Nick: Why have you been talking shit about me?
Me: To whom?
Me: That is news to me.
Nick: Whatever I have seen proof. I thought we could still be friends but I was wrong! And stop posting our conversations online.

I didn’t want to get into everything in text messages, so I tried to call him. He let it go to voicemail and I left him a message. I said, “We need to talk about this. Call me when you can act like an adult. In the meantime, I can do as I please.”

He responded with a text:

Nick: I don’t want to talk to you. bye.
Me: Fine with me. BTW writing about my life is not talking shit about you.

We didn’t talk for about an hour after that, and then he sent me more messages.

I sooooooo relate to this song

Made of Scars by Stone Sour

THIS ONE came from looking - THIS ONE opened twice
THESE TWO seemed smooth as silk, flush against my eyes
THIS ONE needes stitches and THIS ONE came from rings
THIS ONE isn’t even there, but I feel it more because you don’t care

Yeah - CUT right into me
Yeah - because I am made of SCARS
Yes, I am made of SCARS

THIS ONE had it coming - THIS ONE found a vein
THIS ONE was an accident, but never gave me pain
THIS ONE was my father’s and THIS ONE you can’t see
THIS ONE had me scared to death,
but I guess I should be glad I’m not dead

Yeah - CUT right into me
Yeah - because I am made of SCARS
Yes, I am made of SCARS

GOD - DON’T YOU BELIEVE THE HYPE

…And I will find a way - everything you are I will betray
Oh, I swear that I will find a way - everything you are’s inside me

THIS ONE was the first one - THIS one had a vice
THIS ONE here I like to rub on dark and stormy nights
THIS ONE was the last one - I don’t remember how
But I remember blood and rain
AND I NEVER SAW IT COMING AGAIN

Yeah - CUT right into me
Yeah - because I am made of SCARS
Yes, I am made of SCARS

I got to work a little early today, as usual, but today I actually talked with Nick for a few minutes. Our conversations have been little more than “hi, how ya doing?” since shortly after the “misunderstanding”¹ was cleared up. I have been questioning whether I wanted to maintain a friendship with Nick or not, so I was keeping my distance from him.

He told me that he stopped dating the other girls he was seeing and now he is just with Tamara. Surprisingly, it did not bother me. I wished him good luck with her. He is going to need it, but I did not tell him that. He will find out on his own soon enough, I am sure.

I told him I started buying him on the Myspace “Own Your Friends” application because Shawna does not have internet access anymore and she does not want Tamara keeping him. He laughed and told me that he knew because when Tamara picked him up from work yesterday she was going off on him about it. That made me start laughing. I enjoy pissing her off as much as Shawna does.