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Old Habits

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 at 10:47 pm

I just got home from Nick’s house. Our evening together was a very emotional one, thanks to the berry blue Everclear kool-aid. I cried in his arms when I left. We had some very open and honest communication this evening and it has left me feeling bad overall. I still feel like crying, but I would rather just have some more kool-aid. That probably would not be a good idea though.

The drive home was not an easy one. Before I pulled out of Nick’s neighborhood, the images of razorblades were flashing in my head. A few times, I even thought about how simple it would be to drive off a bridge. Thinking about it and doing it are two different things, obviously. I am not going to do that, but something about entertaining the idea provides a sense of relief.

It’s disappointing to look back at all the hard work and therapy because I feel like it was in vain. As soon as things get a little too hard to handle emotionally I go back to thinking about hurting myself. Why do I do that?!?

On this day..

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Topic: Guys, Self-Injury, Suicide, Thoughts

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