Aug

20

Old Habits

Filed Under Guys, Self-Injury, Suicide, Thoughts | Leave a Comment

I just got home from Nick’s house. Our evening together was a very emotional one, thanks to the berry blue Everclear kool-aid. I cried in his arms when I left. We had some very open and honest communication this evening and it has left me feeling bad overall. I still feel like crying, but I would rather just have some more kool-aid. That probably would not be a good idea though.

The drive home was not an easy one. Before I pulled out of Nick’s neighborhood, the images of razorblades were flashing in my head. A few times, I even thought about how simple it would be to drive off a bridge. Thinking about it and doing it are two different things, obviously. I am not going to do that, but something about entertaining the idea provides a sense of relief.

It’s disappointing to look back at all the hard work and therapy because I feel like it was in vain. As soon as things get a little too hard to handle emotionally I go back to thinking about hurting myself. Why do I do that?!?

Aug

20

My New Job and Nick

Filed Under Guys, Relationships, Thoughts | Leave a Comment

So far, my new job is going well. They started training me to run machines my first night, thanks to Nick. He put in a great word for me. He told them, “She is damn smart and a very quick learner. She can go straight to a machine…” It still surprises me a little when I think of Nick believing and especially saying positive things about me. I am not certain what has gotten in to him, but I like it for the most part. Our friendship is getting back on track.

When I think about our past relationship, or read posts I wrote when we were together, I wonder how skewed my perception was of him and things that happened. I was clearly in an episode, but how much of what I thought was irrational, but correct, and how much was irrational and incorrect? I suppose the only way to know without a doubt is to ask him about it, but I am not sure I want to get into that complex issue.
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