Aug

8

An Evening with Nick and Tamara

Filed Under Events, Guys | 2 Comments

Tamara and I just returned from hanging out with Nick. I hadn’t seen him in about a month. The three of us went swimming at Tamara’s house earlier. We had to have Nick back home by 7:30 because his ankle monitor would have went off. I got him back a little late but he said it wasn’t that big of a deal.

His mother was home. She’s cool. I just found out tonight that really likes me. I’m surprised. From what I’ve heard in the past Nick’s mother doesn’t like most of his girlfriends and she likes them even less once they are exes. I think she knows I care about Nick and that I’d never intentionally hurt him or fuck him over.

He was being very flirty. He tried to kiss me and he kept groping me. Then he sent me nude pictures of himself. It was a little strange but I must admit that I enjoyed it. I flirted back. It was harmless .

He also told me that he was talking to his cousin Adam about me before he came over and Adam told Nick that he wanted to do me. I thought that was weird because Adam doesn’t like big women usually. I mentioned it to Nick and he said he told Adam the same thing. Adam said it was because he knows how sweet I am. I got a kick out of that. I’ve never thought of myself as a sweet person.

I also found out that Nick wasn’t repulsed by me when we were together, he was just scared of us getting too involved. He has been royally fucked over by women in the past so he is as leery of as I was. I had convinced myself that I was repulsive and he didn’t want me, which is why I self-injured so often while we were dating.

This is an interesting turn of events. Men are starting to crawl out of the woodwork again. Woohoo, social butterfly time, let’s hope I don’t go slutty again.

Aug

8

Questioning Things

Filed Under Thoughts | Leave a Comment

Sometimes, I wonder if I was better off before the bipolar diagnosis and subsequent medication regimen, therapy, and mental illness education.

They say ignorance is bliss. I would not go that far in this particular case, but knowing what I know about my illness makes me constantly question my thoughts, motives, moods, behaviors, and feelings. Oftentimes, I cannot make heads or tails of why I am doing the things I am, behaving the way I am, or even thinking some of the things I think.

I must say I have been a lot more clear-headed since adjusting my medications myself. I had to make the changes because I was sick of feeling so disconnected and just plain blah, not to mention feeling like a guinea pig for the drug companies and doctors.

The fact of the matter is I don’t know what the long-term consequences of the changes I’ve made are going to have, but presently, things are going fine. I am content with my life: I am having fun, making friends, and becoming more of the person I want to be.