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Objectivity and Fear

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 4:16 am

This morning, I found myself with the gnawing feeling of being on the verge of overwhelmed. There was so much that I wanted to do and get done right then, but I didn’t know where to start. I was having a hard time setting my priorities so I decided I needed some objectivity. I found a little over half a joint that had been leftover from a couple days ago and took a few hits.

When I use I consume about a ¼ of a joint. I usually don’t do it to get high, I do it because it allows me to step back and look at the direction my life is going and decide if that is the way I want it to go. In short, it slows my body down and allows my brain time to figure things out.

It went a different direction than I thought it would. Instead of figuring out what to do first I realized some things about my life and myself. I’m sensitive and empathic; I feel things very deeply. Many may think of it as a flaw or weakness, but I am no longer one of them. Granted, I have found an enormous amount of pain in my life because my hypersensitivity, but for the same reason there has been a great amount of joy – I have experienced both so greatly I thought I could literally burst at times.

One of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had was when and I broke up; saying I was devastated is putting it mildly. A large part of my heart was obliterated that day.

On the flipside, the day that we kissed for the first time I was overflowing with because I finally knew what it was like to truly be loved. I had never felt such a connection with someone. The loss of that coupled with the prior ruination of my relationship with caused me to allow myself to stop living; of being hurt and abandoned was a good enough excuse for me to do so.

I used to think I was a very strong person and that something as ridiculous as couldn’t control me. I was partially correct – the of violence did not control me, in fact I didn’t violence – I expected it, but the of being emotionally hurt motivated me into shutting down my life.

tells me that it is a time to make myself number one and do whatever it takes to take back control of my life, but habit expects me to continue to allow the shadow of to overcast my life, just as I have done consistently the past 8 years, keeping me at an emotional standstill.

The dysfunctional part of me is aching to chastise myself for being weak or admitting I make mistakes. However, I finally understand that I can’t be perfect, no matter how hard I try and striving so much for perfection has contributed to the devolution of my life and the near murder of my chances for .

I’ve been on a long journey filled with more crossroads than I can count and I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. However, it is time to take my life back. I see the right track almost directly in front of me and I intend to take it. I have to stop letting those negative and steal more precious moments of my life.

FDR was right, there is nothing to but itself.

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On this day..

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2 Responses to “Objectivity and Fear”

  1. Chan on July 16th, 2008 1:08 pm

    Recently, I started reading a book about self esteem (and how to increase it) and I only recently realised I can’t be perfect and to stop expecting myself to be, or even I need to start realising that people won’t reject me because I am not perfect. It’s weird really how obvious it may be to some people but for the rest of us, it’s another story!

    Here’s an example: I don’t like parallel parking, I failed it a couple of times when I was taking driving lessons and I decided that I was no good at it (although, to be fair, the only couple of times I have attempted it since, it went fine) but anyway, I’ve been so ashamed of this fact, it’s crazy the length I would go to to avoid being “found out”. But do you what, it is ok for me to say to people I’m uncomfortable parallel parking because I don’t think I could do it, instead of hiding the fact. Better still, it may be time I practised it a bit so it isn’t something I’m not good at anymore. hmmm I am sure there’s a lesson (or two) in there somewhere…!

    Anyway, personally, I think you are a strong person, a damn strong one at that, you persevere, no matter what, on the path to recovery and happiness, and that takes enormous strength! You are only human too though so only fair you have fears, make mistakes etc!!;-)

  2. bipolarchick on July 17th, 2008 6:31 am

    Chan, you always know exactly what to say. It is very nice to have someone that understands and can empathize with me. I love your comments.

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