This morning, I found myself with the gnawing feeling of being on the verge of overwhelmed. There was so much that I wanted to do and get done right then, but I didn’t know where to start. I was having a hard time setting my priorities so I decided I needed some objectivity. I found a little over half a joint that had been leftover from a couple days ago and took a few hits.

When I use marijuana I consume about a ¼ of a joint. I usually don’t do it to get high, I do it because it allows me to step back and look at the direction my life is going and decide if that is the way I want it to go. In short, it slows my body down and allows my brain time to figure things out.

It went a different direction than I thought it would. Instead of figuring out what to do first I realized some things about my life and myself. I’m sensitive and empathic; I feel things very deeply. Many may think of it as a flaw or weakness, but I am no longer one of them. Granted, I have found an enormous amount of pain in my life because my hypersensitivity, but for the same reason there has been a great amount of joy – I have experienced both so greatly I thought I could literally burst at times.

One of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had was when and I broke up; saying I was devastated is putting it mildly. A large part of my heart was obliterated that day.

On the flipside, the day that we kissed for the first time I was overflowing with happiness because I finally knew what it was like to truly be loved. I had never felt such a connection with someone. The loss of that coupled with the prior ruination of my relationship with caused me to allow myself to stop living; of being hurt and abandoned was a good enough excuse for me to do so.

I used to think I was a very strong person and that something as ridiculous as fear couldn’t control me. I was partially correct – the fear of violence did not control me, in fact I didn’t fear violence – I expected it, but the fear of being emotionally hurt motivated me into shutting down my life.

Therapy tells me that it is a time to make myself number one and do whatever it takes to take back control of my life, but habit expects me to continue to allow the shadow of fear to overcast my life, just as I have done consistently the past 8 years, keeping me at an emotional standstill.

The dysfunctional part of me is aching to chastise myself for being weak or admitting I make mistakes. However, I finally understand that I can’t be perfect, no matter how hard I try and striving so much for perfection has contributed to the devolution of my life and the near murder of my chances for happiness.

I’ve been on a long journey filled with more crossroads than I can count and I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. However, it is time to take my life back. I see the right track almost directly in front of me and I intend to take it. I have to stop letting those negative thoughts and steal more precious moments of my life.

FDR was right, there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

On this day..