Last night, spent the night with me. ’ boyfriend was coming home from a week long trip and she wanted to spend a night alone with him. I when I get to babysit overnight.

We played games, watched a sparkler bomb that made, watched tv, and then we listened to . I watched her dancing. We were both exhausted and passed out a little after 1am.

She woke up in the middle of the night and while I was rocking her I was struck by the realization that I might have to have my uterus removed. I want children. I wasn’t sure before, but now I know I want my own .

I started crying. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a bawl-fest. I haven’t cried in a few months and I assumed that once I did, it would be an all out emotional breakdown. It wasn’t, but that may be that’s because I had the comfort of holding McKayla in my arms, with her head against my chest…

I know I’m fucked up, but I also know I will be a good mother. Hell, all I have to do is the opposite of almost everything my mother did and I’ll be fine. My child(ren) would be sheltered from my personal issues as much as humanly possible.

Besides the lack of a suitable father there is another kink in my dream; I’m not even sure I can have children. I have doubt because I’ve had 3 miscarriages and I had cells growing on my cervix. I’m scared that the cells may have returned, but I can’t let my put off the exam any longer. After being fifteen months overdue on my pelvic exam I made an appointment for this coming Tuesday. I am overwhelmed with a terrible sense of foreboding, but I have to get through it. I will try to maintain a sense of hope.