What's Been Going on with Me?
Geez, it’s been so long since I’ve updated that I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been a roller coaster, just like always. I swear I get so sick of it sometimes. I have to take all these fucking medications every damn day. I wonder what all these fucking pills are doing to my liver. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth it.
I’ve been manicky and depressed at the same time: it’s a mixed episode and it sucks ass. Mixed episodes are worse than manic or depressive episodes because I don’t know what to expect from one day to the next. I’ve been leaning more toward a depressive episode. I haven’t been taking care of myself and I haven’t had much energy. I want to sleep all the time, and I’ve only been changing my clothes every couple days.
I think it’s strange that I don’t have the energy to take care myself and stuff like that, but I have the energy to spend 16 hours reorganizing my kitchen. I fucking alphabetized the spices for crying out loud. I also rearranged furniture and cleaned up my ex-roommates old room. I organized all the closets in the house as well as most of the files on my computer. The house was spotless, from top to bottom, and I’ve revamped my website. At the time, all of that seemed perfectly normal and I was proud of myself for doing it all. The first thing my roommate asked me after he seen what I done was, ‘Did you take your meds? Are you having a manic episode?’ After he said that I thought about my actions and I realized it was manic behavior.
I’ve also been isolating myself from all of my friends and my family. Hell, I’ve only left the house three or four times in the past five weeks and one of the times was just to go to the doctor; that was this past Monday. She re-prescribed the Lexapro and upped the milligrams of it and the Abilify. I hate the side effects that come along with Lexapro and I don’t want to take it. However, she is adamant that it’s the best thing for me in addition to the Wellbutrin, Lamical, and Abilify.
I’ve already lost my job, my boyfriend and a few close friends because of this episode. What next?
I don’t know what to do; something has to give. I know I’m feeling this way because the illness, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. At this point, there are only two options; I can either stop taking all my meds or I can start taking them the way the doctor pushed. A lot of bipolar people stop taking their medication because they think they’re better. I want to stop taking my meds because I think they’re making me worse. I’ve tried over and over to explain this to the doctors, but they don’t listen.
Logic dictates I should just follow the doctor’s advice. However, another part of me doubts her. Looking back at my life since I was diagnosed and started taking meds I wonder if I’ve been stable at all. At least when my bipolar disorder was untreated I had normal periods in between episodes. Now, it seems like I just go from one episode to another and the doctors just keep adding new meds and upping dosages, when does it stop? Is there a drug cocktail out there that will help me maintain some semblance of stability or am I doomed to ride this mood roller coaster for the rest of my life?
On this day..
About BipolarChick (599 posts)
I’m a thirty-something bipolar woman, an advanced tech agent with a pay tv provider, tax preparer for a local charity, current Tulsa inhabitant, and I’m one credit shy of an Associate Degree in Liberal Arts. I’m working on recovery from self-injury and working toward stabilizing my bipolar symptoms. Recovery is very important to me. I’ve been mostly single the past few years and plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of jackasses, assholes, and married men. I have no children of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews I love to spoil.